My leg hurts. Maybe it's because there's a small hole in it right now... My arm is bruised from where the drew the blood today... Height 5'7'' Weight 117lbs (confirmed by a professional)

Realizing this I ate a double cheeseburger for dinner and later overdosed on cup cakes. Devils food. From a box.

I'm starting to feel like I can't type anything anymore, not here. Every day I feel like a different person and every time I wake up I never know what to expect. There is nothing comforting about it. Mostly I just want to shut my brain off but old habits are too easy to fall back into patterns. Believe it or not, I don't want to be a zombie anymore.

When my mother came in to ask me what my problem was, it was 3am. Lucky for me I already had my boots on. Even luckier was I, for the fresh snow outside. I wanted to remind myself of the feeling of being so cold that you almost start to feel warm again. I wanted to remind myself that it didn't really matter if my jeans got snow on them and it melted and then froze and I walked into my house with stiff wet pants because luckily by this time my mom had fallen back to sleep.

I need to get out of here.

Tonight.

Tomorrow I will write a new story.

Who would have thought I'd actually ever get a job. Well I did, damn it. It's nothing special, but frankly I don't really care. I'm sort of glad it's kind of a piece of crap job because I don't really have the motivation to do anything that means much of anything to contribute to society in any way. So I'll stand behind a desk and answer phones, talk to people, let them yell at me, and get paid a decent hourly wage. I still have to take an online questionare thing but my new boss is supposed to call me on Tuesday to tell me when I get to start. From now on you can all refer to me as "Desk Bitch."

Anyone who hasn't seen the movie Pan's Labyrinth yet really should. It was seriously one of the best films I've seen in a long time. Don't bring the kids, even I caught myself looking away for some scenes which should say something. I'm always fond of the gore- but this was just so realistic and wonderful. I plan to go and see it again at least one more time soon. Fuck it, I'll go by myself if no one wants to go with me- that's how awesome it is- I'd consider going it alone.

It's odd when you realize a flip in life. I grew up feeling invisible and I resented it for many years. Awkward and shy, no one ever remembered me or knew my name throughout jr. high and high school. I guess I got used to it and after a time came to appreciate and enjoy my invisibility. So now, when I'm standing in line to buy a cup of coffee and some guy I knew in high school walks up and talks to me, I feel all out of place. Maybe it was because it forces me to remember a whole lot about my past that I really just wish I could forget. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to wake up every day with no memories to haunt me, a clean slate. All I know is that every day I wake up and ponder life in a new city or town where no one knows anything about me. Lots of happy thoughts about running away. I'm giving myself six months to decide. In six months I will be living under a different roof. I'm just not sure where...

Right about now is time for my last cigarette (4th of the day, a small snack, sleeping pills and sleeping alone in my big comfortable bed.

So this is the new year...

And I really don't feel any better...

Did I mention a while back that my new car came with a guitar? 'Cause it does! Tonight I learned a "power cord" though I'm not sure what to do with it quite yet. I messed with settings to change the sound that didn't sound like it was changing anything and overall had a bit of fun making lots of loud noise. Hopefully I'll get better. My fingers hurt a bit.

My only goal right now is to be employed by my birthday. For those of you who are counting... it'll be in a little more than 2 weeks.

Cheers.