I've been sick as a dog since Sunday. Some people joked and said that I was faking but you know what? I just took my temperature and it said 101 motherfucker. And this is the best I've felt since all this bullshit has started. It's been hours of sleeping but not really sleeping, hot and cold flashes, a persistent feeling of nausea that is keeping me from eating, every muscle in my body hurting especially my head. I've had a tension headache since fucking FRIDAY!

Tomorrow I will go to the doctor.

I've had my moments, typing my bullshit to this page about how bad my day was or what was wrong with my life, and though I don't discount those emotions, they were never the worst of it. In truth, when things are really bad for me I scream silently. I'm screaming now.

My heart hurts. I drove home struggling to breathe and the tears on my cheeks have dried. I don't know what to do anymore. What can I do? I feel like my whole world is slipping away and even though I'm trying my hardest to fight for it- because I will always fight for the one that I love- I feel like I'm losing this battle, this war. Why does it have to be this way?

So I'll scream silently, using the words of '97 at the top of my lungs. I'll take a deep breath and wait. I shouldn't have to tell someone to love me. I shouldn't need to try so hard to make someone who loves me understand. Why can't he see I'm hurting? I ask you. Why doesn't he get it?

I don't have words anymore for how much it hurts. I don't have words to describe how ugly and forgettable and worthless I feel right now. I don't have words, and in my business that means death. For the first time in my life I saw my future. I saw myself with the man I love and the two of us stuck and sleeping in separate bedrooms, barely speaking.

It's been days since he's kissed me. It's been too long since I've been loved. What am I waiting for? How much more direct do I have to be? Tonight I sit in anguish wondering when he's going to come clean with me, when he's going to tell me once and for all that it doesn't matter how much I love him- he doesn't love me, not anymore.


...five minutes or so later...

I'll tell you what. One of these days I'll be gone and I won't even remember. I'll push it out of my mind, like I have already done with so many other things because I can. I can. I'll go off on my own because I can. I don't need anyone- and you know that's true. I can take care of myself. I can be ok by myself. I've done it before and I can do it again. I won't keep killing myself to get kind words out of anyone. I don't need to, not anymore. In a few months I'll be done with school and the job search will begin, thus my life will begin and I'm not dropping anchor here. I've never wanted to stay here. Never. And all this- can just fade.

But I will say that I did always want you to come with me, even though I knew that you wouldn't and I would stay because I wanted to- because I wanted you. Now I'm not so sure. I refuse to let my life slip into something of a nightmare. I can do better. I deserve better.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test