I AM THE MONOPOLY CHAMPION. I WILL RULE AND DOMINATE FOREVER. FEAR ME AND MY SKILLS. FEAR ME AND KNOW THAT YOU CAN'T WIN.

i already won.

For anyone who previously knew my cell phone number... it's back in business. Yeah, that's right, I have the exact same cell phone number that I did before. Unfortunately I don't have a bunch of the numbers that I had before written down so I'll have to figure that out as I go- OR! you could just call me. Sam I'm looking in your direction! later kiddies!

So the desk thing... Nothing as exciting as I would have hoped. I found some CD's that I thought that I had lost. What sucked was that I found a paycheck from November that I never cashed and don't think I'll be able to because they're only valid for 90 days. I'll have to talk to my manager more about that but yeah. I'm an idiot. That sucks!!

I got a new phone in the mail today. Now I just need to get a new sim card for it and I'll be back in the cool kid's club with a cell phone again. Personally I don't really care. I did like my cell phone and I'm glad to be having one back but let's just say I wouldn't cry if it wasn't happening.

It's late. As usual. Time for sleep.

It's amazing really. I got home from work today and decided to clean out my closet again. It's been a slow obnoxious process trying to mesh my current life with my old and newer still but I'm getting there... Slowly. I threw away another 2 garbage bags full of crap and a bunch of clothes out of my closet. I will be a pack rat no more! Damn it. This project is only half done right now. See, there's this desk in my closet that has so much junk in it that I haven't looked at in years that I really am itching to throw away and clean up. I can guarantee that that alone will take me a good hour. Then there will be furniture to shift around. I'm bored again with the way that my room is set up. I've been this way about my furniture since I was little. Constantly changing it around- always on my own. My mom thought I was weird. I was. I am. But whatever keeps me entertained, right?

Mid-clean I came across a mountains worth of old papers and essays that go all the way back to early high school. Yeah, that slowed me down a bit. I sat there horrified and completely amused at some wonderful displays of writing ability! I have no idea... So yeah. I also found all sorts of forgotten treasures. My little pewter elephant now has it's rightful place on my desk again. (He used to live on a little shelf but since the shelf was removed I think he got shoved away.) One of my many portfolios was hidden in my closet along with my ice skates- which I was pleasantly surprised to see that they still actually fit. On a mysterious note I found a really old disposable camera that I have no idea about. So much fun stuff. So much junk. My lucky golf ball... My Dymaxion t-shirt... My whoopee cushion.

So tomorrow is desk day. I look forward to more horrible things that I will never understand why I saved. I'll update when more is discovered.

I just spent the last hour with my dad attempting to fill out the stupid fafsa form (yeah I know it's almost september...). Nothing was accomplished. I sat staring at the wall for the entire hour listening to him lecture me about how I should have done this earlier and hearing him mumble as he read every possible word on the webpage only to come to the conclusion that he wants to call my schools financial advisors to ask some stupid question about income taxes. It took him an hour to realize what he had already mentioned that me days ago. GOD! I woke up for what? nothing. as usual. Now I have the pleasure of getting ready to go to work for the rest of the day. I love life. I love my family and I especially love my job. TODAY RULES!

I know that I've probably said this a billion times but I really think that I hate people. I hated people at the concert that I was at yesterday. I hate people that breech the doorway to my room. I hate people who chat it up at work both customers and employees at this point. I hate people who treat me like I'm 2 years old and are actually the ones who spaz out and have temper tantrums. I guess what I'm really sick of is being treated like shit. My family does it. My "friends" do it. My co-workers do it. Fuck everyone. I'm not the punchline of your jokes and yeah, after a while they do start to hit nerves. Thanks. I'm not a machine. I do have a life, so don't punish me for living it the way that I choose to. Just leave me alone. ALL OF YOU.

What all this really does is that it makes me hate myself more than I should. I feel worthless everyday of my life, whenever I'm awake. I shouldn't feel worthless so I put all my hate into you. It's not me that I hate it's you, when really it's all just me. So how about you stay away from me and you'll never see me again and I can finally feel like breathing.

I was messing around with the internet and came across this link. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it, whether I'm down or not. As a warning it's pro-choice and done in comic style.

My parents got home tonight. They were gone for a week and it was so nice to have the house (mostly) to myself. Now that they're back it feels familiar and different all at the same time. Not in a good way. All the tension that follows my family members around bleeds in this house and gushes when they're near. Part of me feels guilty thinking that I wish that they weren't around, or better still that I wasn't around but most of me doesn't. I'm not like them, any of them. It's so hard to be confined within these walls for all these years knowing that I'm nothing like any of these people and that they will never understand me just as I will never understand them. That's why I need to leave. That's why I should be gone. I wish more than anything that I was out of here again. I know what it feels like to be free. I know what it feels like to live on my own and I miss it more than I can say.

I ended up at Ikea today and wandered through the filthy zoo of suburban consumers, looking at stuff. God, it's just depressing. On one hand I walked and looked thinking of how nice it will be to have my own space someday to put things that I choose in, to furnish my "home," and on the other hand knowing- or not knowing really when that will ever happen... And people wonder why I've spent all summer looking for a doorway. What am I doing all this for? It's been 2 years and I'm just where I started. fuck.

I paused (4th finger on left hand holding down the shift key and middle finger of right hand paused on the "I" key) trying to come up with a direction for this first sentence for about a minute before actually typing. I do that a lot, pause with my fingers above keys, holding shift and awaiting the words to form themselves. I used to feel like the words guided my fingers when I typed but lately it feels the other way around. My fingers are commanding the words to come. It's not really all that much of a bad thing really. Just different. I guess all that matters is that the words appear. I will admitt it's a bit harder to write this way. When it felt like the words were guiding me writing made me feel so calm inside- even when the subject matter was angry or involved people being dismembered by axes. Now... Well, now it's just not like that. I still feel like I'm half holding my breath when I write. I have no idea why I do this. Maybe I get so focused on the writing and the words that I forget to breathe. hmm.

I've been trying so hard to fight off the power of "routine" lately. I can feel it calling me and I can't stand the thought of being sucked into that again. I wonder how long it will be before it takes me over again and drains my soul. I never feel right in a routine.

it's almost 5am. I choose falling asleep to Big Fish. Good morning and good night.

http://shop.gameplay.co.uk/images/products/GC0319_1_lq.jpg

I have this awesome panic feeling in my gut- well actually it usually hits me in my throat more often- that appears every time I know I've done something stupid. And I think now may be one of those times.

No regrets. Never regret... just take a deep breath.