It makes me nervous (what doesn't these days) to have people question my emotional well being. What's worse is that it always makes whatever negative aura that may have been around me swell and suffocate me in the long run. It is a slow death.

So let's just get this out. I'm not happy by any means these past few days. The holidays are the worst for a lot of people and I can't ever put my finger on why but I hate them all and usually around this time of year, when the air shifts to cold (I can never seem to get warm) and colors fade, the sun disappears, I find myself sitting in an apartment full of cats watching stupid movies and crying for no reason. Why is it, that when you want time alone you can never find it- but when you're stuck alone it's like the coldest hell on earth.

I miss Ben.

This is also, I should mention, an in between time of semesters which really makes me nervous about graduation in the spring. If I am this unmotivated to write now, will I ever see through anything when not forced to work on it? I hate myself when I'm not being creative, yet finding the motivation beneath all this is really hard sometimes. That last story that I posted was the first and only thing that I've actually written since the end of the semester and I didn't even like it that much.

So right now I'm stuck in a rut, starved for attention and bored out of my mind. Will no one help me? I could go out. I could, but I'm such an idiot. First: with who? I'd rather drink here alone than pay Chicago bar prices to drink alone in public. Second: Where? There ain't much out here. It'd be a hike to get anywhere and the walking alone outside at night isn't really high on my list. Maybe if I get really punchy I'll give it a whirl.

I'm about ready to start going though my phone book and just call people but talking to people when you have nothing to say is almost as painful as not talking to anyone. This is another reason why I'm going insane! I'm losing whatever small talk social skills that I had.

Screw this. I'm drinking away the pain tonight. I'm tired of thinking. If I had drugs I'd already be gone. Cheers fuckfaces!

I can't sleep. Merry Christmas.

There once was a woman who lived in the salt waters of the ocean. She feared all that was light and knew nothing of the cold. One day a great storm stirred up the water and washed the poor girl up onto a beach. It was then that she felt the sun on her bare skin for the first time and she smiled at it's warmth. She loved how it felt as if it were holding her.

The girl learned to walk, to talk and left that beach by the ocean. She changed and adapted to her new home on the surface. She grew to fear shadow, dark, and all that was cold. But this world was not like what she remembered, that long time ago, when she lived beneath the cold waters of the ocean.

One day a strange thing happened. The girl was at a party. It was the birthday party of one of her dear friends. She had lifted a soda can to toast the tidings of celebration for her friend when she heard a crackle and an echo of something plagued her mind. It hit her hard in memory, the sounds of the ocean. She had not heard or seen its waters in such a long time. The urge grew stronger as she made her way back to the beach she had washed up on so long ago, but something stopped her at the waters edge.

She smelled the salt and heard the cries of the sea gulls flying over head. But something was holding her there, away from the water. It was winter now and the sun hid, barely visible, behind pink and yellow clouds. The air was cold. She slipped off her shoes and gripped her scarf tightly around her neck. Letting the surf tickle at her toes, she cringed and realized her life lost. She had lost her will and her strength to go back to that world. It was a world of cold and dark and she had changed too much.

Just as she was about to give up all hope of ever returning, the sun crept out from behind the clouds and sent warm rays onto her shoulders, like hands the urged her forward. She eased out of her clothing, piece by piece, and slowly stepped farther into the water. The cold stung but she grit her teeth and forced herself to keep moving forward. She was hoping, praying, to find the strength to go on with each step.

When the water had reached her chin she stopped and felt the waves jostle her body beneath them. It felt different than she had ever remembered, as if she were being held by the water and because of her last life on land she knew a name for it. Blanket. All of a sudden she didn't feel so cold anymore. She let herself close her eyes and cast out what light was left in the sky. She let her knees bend and her head slowly sink. Bubbles rose from that spot but she never did.

She drowned.

So this is what it feels like to live in the city... wow. I'm bored!

I love my room! Did you know that? I love every thing about it, except the cold aspect. I spend on average 80% of my day in this room and I'm going to miss it.

I'll miss you too.

Have you ever wondered... Why Susan? Try looking at this.

I decided to sign up for a poetry class next semester, due to the advice of the greatest writing tutor that has ever lived. I've never been much of a poet but she convinced me that focusing on the imagery in poetry would help strengthen my writing. I'll give it a whirl. If the class sucks I can always drop it. That's the beauty of this last semester. I don't have much that I "have" to do. Most of it will be fun city (or so I hope) and if its not I can blow that popsicle stand!

Tomorrow I get to go shopping for a few things that I will need to take with me into the city and then there will be drinking with good old friends. Old friends are some of the best kinds of friends, I'd say. I like new friends too, the adventures are always... well... new. With old friends there is much reminiscing but I am fond of that. I'm going to help Margot dye her lovely locks tomorrow. That's always fun. I love slopping gooey shit on my friend's heads!

I feel like it's been so long since I've written anything- which is completely not true if you are counting short stories and that sort of thing. I just haven't thought much about my own mind lately enough to sit here and put it into words. There's so much I could say...

Starting tomorrow (though I don't think I'm going to go until Wednesday morning) I will be house sitting for a friend in the city. She's going to France and I'm get to look after her cats in a sweet ass apartment. I'm not getting paid much but anything is better than here. I'm slightly nervous about it- which is actually one of the main reasons why I'm doing it. It's outside of my "box" and it will force me to be by myself a lot of the time which I think, though I may not enjoy, it will be good for me. A test of sorts just to see if I can survive. Hopefully I won't die out there and then no one will know and the cats will eat my body and the smell will fill the hall...

I'm sick of having the same arguments. I'm sick of having to defend myself from things that I can't defend myself from that happened many years ago. I'm tired of feeling as if I'll never be on the level with certain people that I deserve to be. I don't like to be told what not to do. I hate anything that makes me feel as though someone is trying to put me in a cage. It won't happen. I'll do the opposite of whatever you tell me just to spite you and I'll run away crying on the inside. I'm tired of people telling me that it's not me that they don't trust its (insert title here) because I've been getting that since I was 12 years old and I didn't buy into it then- I sure as hell don't now.

my house is cold. There's nothing to eat, and someone stole an entire box of cheez-its that i had stashed in my room. i hate it here.

Which John Cusack Are You?

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test


What Kind of Drunk Are You?
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