I woke up at 4:45pm today. I thought I might like to have that noted for reason unknown to me at this time. I still feel like shit and, frankly, I'm not looking forward to anything about my life right now.

I have to be at the dentist in 45 minutes.

I apologize for bitching- but if you could see my face right now... I'm not really complaining, just explaining. It is what it is. I am what I am, though for that I also apologize.

I'd be better off alone.

I remember telling someone not that long ago that I know that things aren't ok, when I'm sleeping all the time. And I've been sleeping all the time... Actually, it's all that I want to do lately (since this week/end mostly).

It all came up on me so fast this time. And all of a sudden there I was, sitting in a car and feeling nothing. It's very hard to explain what I feel when I'm in that mind frame because there's no one word to use to describe it. It's definitely nothing but a nothing that you can feel. A severe numbness that sends me into strange giggle fits. It's the absence of fear.

The fear part of it is, what I believe, to be the worst part of it. It feels good, almost, in an odd sort of way. I mean think about it. Wouldn't it typically be considered a good thing to not feel afraid? I would think so. But this isn't good, and even though a tiny part of my brain is screaming at me, rational thoughts and advice to attempt to keep me grounded, the bigger part of me embraces that feeling and nothing is scary anymore. I fear nothing, even death, which in turn makes me think it might be a good time to go. It's like being really really high to the point where your brain shuts down in every way except on a very basic level. Everything is dulled, every sense, every sound.

So cheers to my sleeping all the time. Cheers to my wanting to do nothing else lately but sleep. I think it may have saved my life, many times over. I will not be attending class tomorrow (Tuesday morning) but I will the rest of the week, for those of you who pretend to be my parents more than my parents do. And for future reference, when you notice- if you notice- my sleeping becoming more frequent like it has lately... You've been warned. Just leave me alone for a while.

Most frequent thing I've said to my mom in the past month: "If I wanted to talk about it I would. You can't get mad at me for not wanting to talk about something that is none of your business. Please shut my door."

Here's a switch for you... I woke up just before 6... AM! Granted I actually went to sleep yesterday at oh, 6pm, but hey it's a step in the right direction. Truth be told I actually woke up a few times every few hour starting at around 11pm. Apparently though, I was fucking tired.

So sorry to anyone who wanted or tried to talk to me last night. I was out for the count but now I'm ready to party it up! I never did much of anything for my birthday. Margot kept me company which at the time was all that I wanted. Now I want to tear shit up. Honestly a show would be the best way, is always the best way in my opinion, to celebrate my birthday. I've been to so many good shows on my birthdays past. I wish I could think of a good one to go too... but oh well. Maybe next year.

Actually all I really want to do right now is see Ben. I haven't and have barely spoken to him, it seems, in the past few days. I miss him so!

I was going to post a lame "it's my birthday" post and list all of the "firsts" of my new year on this earth, but like I said before it would be lame.

Who needs a drink?

Your walk is: Crazy Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

You Are a Boston Creme Donut

You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you. But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft. You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily. You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out.

What Donut Are You?

You know it!

Where hasn't my mind gone tonight? It's to the point where I wonder why I haven't gone crazier yet. Why does it always end up being 5am and I find myself sitting awake and getting weepy over whatever horrible thing may be on tv... from shitty vh1 videos to infomercials - to the harvey girls on tcm (by the way if anyone knows what movie that actually is you may realize just how bad this really has become). I watched the magic bullet for the XXmillionth time tonight and though the 3 pulse chopping didn't actually make me sad- just the fact that I was watching it...

Why do I question my worth as a person, a friend, a companion, a lover, as an artist, all the time? Why do I doubt myself so much? I don't ask for some stupid self indulgent ego trip but just a content feeling at this point would overwhelm me. I feel like I do everything wrong...

And I haven't done a damn thing over this break. I haven't come up with a single new idea or looked at a single sentence of things I told myself I'd put an effort into. This is why I will amount to nothing in the long run. This is why I will die behind a counter and a vat of coffee. I can't trust myself enough to even make simple goals for myself.

I have a finger nail that is almost a centimeter long, meaning from the tip of my finger my nail extends to the length of just short of a centimeter. Is that sick? I never cut my nails. I figure I'm a girl so I can get away with things like that and I will admit that most of my other nails were broken and don't quite measure up but they aren't all exactly short... except for the ones I just recently broke. Why am I thinking about this now??

I sat down here 15 minutes ago and thought it would be a good idea to make a new playlist to write this down to... a 5 hour play list... what's the point? My only question now is whether or not I feel like putting on clothes so that I can go out into the cold to smoke a cigarette. I hate my life- double for saying that considering how trivial my biggest problem is right now... I'm a god damned idiot. Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for a while.

I want to be high. High as a fucking kite. It's actually the only way I know how to shut this off inside my head- or at least when I'm high it doesn't hurt so much. This... hurts. As we speak I'm fighting off what could be a decent panic attack, if I let it happen. My heart races. I get goose bumps. I can think of nothing but running, physically running and in my minds eye I could make it miles away from here before I'd even realize that I'd left. I need to get out of here, out of this town, and away from people. I need to isolate myself even more than I already have. I always say things like this but, surprise, it never happens. I honestly wonder what I would do to myself if I had absolutely no contact with human beings for more than 2 days. I could handle that. A week? A month? Would I kill myself? Would I turn into the cutter I've dreamt about? Would I pull each one of the hairs out of my head one by one and weave them into something. Why do I have fantasies about living in a hole in the ground, burred alive?

Wow. I need to walk away now. This turned darker than... Sorry. Cheers.

I'm sorry I never answer my phone.

When I was little I ate food on my plate one thing at a time. My mashed potatoes couldn't mix with anything else. I read one book at a time, drew one picture at a time, and obsessed over one dream at a time. But as I got a little older things began to change. Soon corn was mixing into my potatoes and dreams expanded and over lapped. Now, today, potatoes mix with everything on my plate and I like it. I have an entire shelve dedicated to books that I haven't read yet, and my dreams scare the crap out of me. (The past two nights I have had really fucked dreams about zombies eating my family and coming after me, and just strange bizarre occurrences gravitating around the subject matter of my chest...)

I'm turning 24 (the highest number!) on the 26th of this month. In a week I'll be one year older and in 6 months I'll be a college graduate. Though I am not one for goals I think maybe I'd like to put more focus into my lifestyle. It's just that it so hard, especially while I'm in school. There's always two sides to the blade for me. On one hand being in school keeps me active and exposes me to so much that I might not see on my own, reading and anything else. On the other I never seem to have enough time to invest on things I'd like to do, to read, projects I'd like to take on. I'd like to think that in 6 months my life will change drastically and everything will all come together and tie up with a pretty red bow but I'm not that jaded. But someday... someday I look forward to a wiser, toned down version of me.

Ugh. As usual I'm not very happy with how I'm explaining myself (which should explain the lack of posting lately) but I'll share this anyhow. There's always a rewrite...

Wow. I wasn't aware that the stupid quiz results were fucking with my page so badly. Shows how often I look at this... Anyway problem solved I deleted the piece of shit. I mean, who really cares that I would have been Peter Pan anyhow?

How long has it been since I've last seen the sky, my love? I can't seem to remember stars. Nothing is the pretty blue of morning or twilight anymore, just shades of grey. Always a hazy layer blotting out everything, making the world look drab and more or less dead. A Chicago winter of blah. Anything would be better. At least snow looks pretty. It reflects light up and things appear brighter, cheerier with it there. Rain would be something too but there aren't any of these. It's like living in a void. Everything is on pause waiting for the next big shift to come. I want it now. All I can think of is a movie I saw when I was little...

I wish my brain was like a switchboard that I had some control over. All my memories and emotions could be controlled, turned on and off like a little switch. Would I be happy then?

I wouldn't ever sit and think and shudder at things that I'd rather not go into detail about. I would never let all my insecurities take over and keep me from living my life on a day to day basis. I wouldn't be sitting alone, awake and crying to really dumb girl movies (as pathetic as that is...) because I'd be able to switch off self loathing and self pity and I'd switch on sleep and dreaming. I'd make this night end like I want it to because I'd be able to close my eyes and escape this world, as I do every night. It's just that on nights like these, when sleep doesn't come so easy and my mind isn't quick to settle I find myself a bit lonely and a tad panicked. All things point away from the desired direction.

I hate that I can't. I hate when I feel as though I have no real control over my life. That's all it's about though, depression, mental diseases unnamed, control. It's all relative I suppose. The power of positive thought and all the mumbo that my therapist put into my line of defenses. The tricky part with my specific brain is that I am completely aware (99% of the time) of all sides of every story. Half of my mind runs like a train on whatever crazy journey it has in store for me but with the other half I actually see what I do, analyzing it, cutting it up to see how foolish I am. The bitch of it is that I'm not sure which half is the fucked up side. Where should I focus? What should I try to control, to quiet if not silence inside? Is it the melodramatic, childish, and stubborn (just for starters) side? Or is it the other half, the cold, realistic, analytical side, that just plain makes me crazy? I've always been fond of the saying "ignorance is bliss" but then there's "knowledge is power" and .

At this point I don't have a clue and I know in my heart, which at this point is the only organ that I feel that I can trust, that no amount of therapy would ever solve this problem for me. I know in my heart that I am doomed to be a two faced, slightly off, depressive, bi polar, weirdo for the rest of my life. Now the question is can I be content with that?

I'm sick of asking questions. There are too many and most of them don't have answers. I hate them all. And rightfully so I have worn out my brain on this subject right now. With a cigarette I finally feel as though my eyes may yet close before 4am this time (a rare treat) if only there were not so many misbehaving cats plaguing me right now. I swear... I lost 3 thoughts because of them in this writing session alone and not because they are "so cute".