Where hasn't my mind gone tonight? It's to the point where I wonder why I haven't gone crazier yet. Why does it always end up being 5am and I find myself sitting awake and getting weepy over whatever horrible thing may be on tv... from shitty vh1 videos to infomercials - to the harvey girls on tcm (by the way if anyone knows what movie that actually is you may realize just how bad this really has become). I watched the magic bullet for the XXmillionth time tonight and though the 3 pulse chopping didn't actually make me sad- just the fact that I was watching it...
Why do I question my worth as a person, a friend, a companion, a lover, as an artist, all the time? Why do I doubt myself so much? I don't ask for some stupid self indulgent ego trip but just a content feeling at this point would overwhelm me. I feel like I do everything wrong...
And I haven't done a damn thing over this break. I haven't come up with a single new idea or looked at a single sentence of things I told myself I'd put an effort into. This is why I will amount to nothing in the long run. This is why I will die behind a counter and a vat of coffee. I can't trust myself enough to even make simple goals for myself.
I have a finger nail that is almost a centimeter long, meaning from the tip of my finger my nail extends to the length of just short of a centimeter. Is that sick? I never cut my nails. I figure I'm a girl so I can get away with things like that and I will admit that most of my other nails were broken and don't quite measure up but they aren't all exactly short... except for the ones I just recently broke. Why am I thinking about this now??
I sat down here 15 minutes ago and thought it would be a good idea to make a new playlist to write this down to... a 5 hour play list... what's the point? My only question now is whether or not I feel like putting on clothes so that I can go out into the cold to smoke a cigarette. I hate my life- double for saying that considering how trivial my biggest problem is right now... I'm a god damned idiot. Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for a while.
I want to be high. High as a fucking kite. It's actually the only way I know how to shut this off inside my head- or at least when I'm high it doesn't hurt so much. This... hurts. As we speak I'm fighting off what could be a decent panic attack, if I let it happen. My heart races. I get goose bumps. I can think of nothing but running, physically running and in my minds eye I could make it miles away from here before I'd even realize that I'd left. I need to get out of here, out of this town, and away from people. I need to isolate myself even more than I already have. I always say things like this but, surprise, it never happens. I honestly wonder what I would do to myself if I had absolutely no contact with human beings for more than 2 days. I could handle that. A week? A month? Would I kill myself? Would I turn into the cutter I've dreamt about? Would I pull each one of the hairs out of my head one by one and weave them into something. Why do I have fantasies about living in a hole in the ground, burred alive?
Wow. I need to walk away now. This turned darker than... Sorry. Cheers.
I'm sorry I never answer my phone.
Why do I question my worth as a person, a friend, a companion, a lover, as an artist, all the time? Why do I doubt myself so much? I don't ask for some stupid self indulgent ego trip but just a content feeling at this point would overwhelm me. I feel like I do everything wrong...
And I haven't done a damn thing over this break. I haven't come up with a single new idea or looked at a single sentence of things I told myself I'd put an effort into. This is why I will amount to nothing in the long run. This is why I will die behind a counter and a vat of coffee. I can't trust myself enough to even make simple goals for myself.
I have a finger nail that is almost a centimeter long, meaning from the tip of my finger my nail extends to the length of just short of a centimeter. Is that sick? I never cut my nails. I figure I'm a girl so I can get away with things like that and I will admit that most of my other nails were broken and don't quite measure up but they aren't all exactly short... except for the ones I just recently broke. Why am I thinking about this now??
I sat down here 15 minutes ago and thought it would be a good idea to make a new playlist to write this down to... a 5 hour play list... what's the point? My only question now is whether or not I feel like putting on clothes so that I can go out into the cold to smoke a cigarette. I hate my life- double for saying that considering how trivial my biggest problem is right now... I'm a god damned idiot. Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for a while.
I want to be high. High as a fucking kite. It's actually the only way I know how to shut this off inside my head- or at least when I'm high it doesn't hurt so much. This... hurts. As we speak I'm fighting off what could be a decent panic attack, if I let it happen. My heart races. I get goose bumps. I can think of nothing but running, physically running and in my minds eye I could make it miles away from here before I'd even realize that I'd left. I need to get out of here, out of this town, and away from people. I need to isolate myself even more than I already have. I always say things like this but, surprise, it never happens. I honestly wonder what I would do to myself if I had absolutely no contact with human beings for more than 2 days. I could handle that. A week? A month? Would I kill myself? Would I turn into the cutter I've dreamt about? Would I pull each one of the hairs out of my head one by one and weave them into something. Why do I have fantasies about living in a hole in the ground, burred alive?
Wow. I need to walk away now. This turned darker than... Sorry. Cheers.
I'm sorry I never answer my phone.
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