Part of me died today. A big part of me got ripped out of my insides and squished on the ground like the end of a cigarette.

you. killed. me.

Day one of school is over. Day two is about to begin. good god.

Who needs people when there's television to my disposal. Think about it, all I have to do is turn on the box and plug in my brain and I can be anywhere I choose, so long as there is a show or a movie to facilitate my desires. If I get annoyed I can change the channel and start anew. If I feel like laughing I can watch a comedy. Sad, a drama. If I feel the need to really escape I can seek out one of my many fantasy movies. Actual human interaction is overrated and unnecessary as long as my television is here to keep me warm and comforted by it's wonderful warming glow.

Don't call me. I won't answer. Actually, just consider me dead because I may as well be.

There's nothing like a renewed sense of self hatred and self loathing that burns hotter than the central core of the sun to try to lull myself off to sleep. Nothing. Words aren't available to me right now to begin to express really what I'm feeling. Just know that I'm an idiot (but you already knew that) and if I had enough will to it I would be gouging out my own eyes and slitting my wrists blinded.

Basically today sucked. I did buy some stuff which has it's obvious good and bad points. Really the only true money I spent was on a book that I need for this semester- but before you get your panties in a twist about how wonderful this book might be let me tell you that it's a early European history book. Not that I'm not fond of history. I wouldn't be taking yet another European history class if I wasn't. It's just not all that exciting. I'm sure I'll be sleeping through the classes in no time.

Thanks to a gift certificate that I found while cleaning (apparently purchased 12/24/98) I got a new CD, an awesome notebook designed by Roman Dirge that is very much skull and cross bones oriented, a quasi-new video game, and some blank VHS tapes so that I can tape the premiere of Lost because the assholes at work decided to schedule me when Dominic Monaghan is going to be beautiful on my TV. The best part about those last few purchases was that I got $2.11 in change.

Truth be told (or not in this case) I have a whole lotta stuff that I really want to write about tonight but I just don't think I can. Ahhh another evening of self loathing and self doubt and self pity. Damn I'm selfish! Well I guess when you have no one it's the only way one can be.

Now I'm wondering what to do with the rest of my night. Hmm. No friends. No money. No food. But there is stuff to smoke...

Today was most interesting. Many fun activities. Margot and I went to the forest preserve to do a jay. We walked around letting chance and destiny guide us through the forest trails and we ended up a bit lost. We came out to some train tracks surrounded by private property signs. We decided to follow the tracks for a bit and we ended up eventually cutting through a small path back into the preserve area. There was lots of walking, 3 hours to be exact. We also encountered a small group of deer.
Post forest preserve we ate Mexican food and waited a horrible long time for the waitress to bring us the check. At least the food was good. By that time both Margot and I were ready for a nap. We napped to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and then went out to get milk shakes. I ordered a banana strawberry and though it was quite tasty I became annoyed and semi-disgusted by the straw being clogged from time to time by the banana chunks.
That pretty much sums it up.

Surprise, surprise the shower went really well. I'd like to thank the wine for making me not want to kill my mother. My aunts said that it was the best shower that they'd ever been to and I actually think they were being sincere. Shocking really.

So today... today was the same boring story that happens every fall... Every Sunday. Lot's-O-Yelling. Yep. That's right kiddies. Football season has started, apparently. My family happens to like football, a lot. I have never really caught the disease that keeps them cheering and shouting at the TV. I'll watch a game here and there but seriously! I think that it's interesting how I can never really tell who is the bigger mutant in my house. Me. Or Them. Today it would probably be a draw.

Have I ever mentioned that my brother is getting married... On October 30th actually. So today, ah today. Today is a wonderful day. Today I get to throw a bridal shower. Yeah, that's right. Laugh it up. I'm throwing a party for family and beyond.

Notice the time. Well before noon. Would anyone have guessed that I would be awake and showered by 9:30am? On a Saturday? Without being paid for it? I wouldn't have because the par-tay doesn't actually start until 2pm. So why am I awake and pretty at 10am? My mom is a jerk and insisted last night that I be awake so I can help her. "Help with what?" I asked. This question still remains unanswered.

Today is going to be a simply marvelous day. Today is a Radiohead day. Is it too early to start drinking?

I'm really tired of people making me feel bad about doing things that normally I wouldn't think twice about. Take for example, the fact that it's 7am and I haven't gone to bed yet. My mom thinks I'm sick. I tell her to get the hell away from me and to just leave me alone. I don't want to answer your questions. I don't want to see your baffled, unapproving looks. Just leave me alone. So I have to work in 12 hours. Yeah, I know I'll be tired andI know that if I decide to tell anyone about the fact that I'm getting 5 hours of sleep that I'll only get the same questions and the same looks. grr. grrrrrrrrr. killme.

There's nothing like a day of videogames and smoking and not leaving the house. oh and seeing green in some of the most unexpected places. Today was a pretty good day.