So I had this idea about recording a list of the music that plays over the speakers throughout work, specifically the ones that I hear while using the bathroom. I started off strong with it, a little Rolling Stones, some REO Speedwagon and such but lately they haven't had any music playing in the bathrooms and this makes me sad. It was always an interesting surprise to see what they'd play and I was looking forward to one day making a bathroom soundtrack- burning a bunch of cd's and passing them out to coworkers as an amusing joke. Oh well, I suppose I'll have to find some other oddity to amuse myself with until they decide to reinstate the bathroom music.

Today was great though. Today I walked into the bathroom and some lady was sitting in one of the stalls talking on her cell phone. I almost had to leave. I thought to myself, there's no way I'm doing anything in here with this kind of audience but then, lucky for me I heard her say, "I'll call you back in a few minutes" which was followed by loud sighs, slight grunts and a baby fart. FUCK! I almost died. I peed as fast as possible and ran out stifling my horror and laughter.

I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. After spending all day every day staring at a computer screen- specifically the same 12 or so lines of content- when I get home my brain feels half melted. The last thing I really want to do is veg out in front of the TV but I almost feel like it's my only option. I want to go out and actually do something but I'm always feeling tired and thus I usually end up playing video games. I'm not sure if that's worse or just as bad. I drive home contemplating a long list of lovely things that I could do, but when I get home I just feel like crawling into a dark place and hiding. I blame traffic.

Tomorrow night I have to spend at Erin's mom's house and her two jack russell terriers. (Terriers!) If you're lucky you'll see me sometime on Friday.

Random thoughts at 6:45am...

I can never remember if "begat" means to kill someone, fuck someone, or give birth to someone.

more later...

This weekend was long and yet over too quickly, with moments of warmth and shivering cold. I finally got a paycheck... I rediscovered the game of "let's see where I can fit" and it worked out well. I helped a coworker move and found out that I could fit into various shelving units (units... hehe) and cabinets. I remember when I was little hiding in the dryer, in the laundry basket and under the kitchen sink... I rule at hide and seek. I'm thinking about stuffing myself into the overhead storage in my cubicle tomorrow. Do you think they'd fire me for that?

I've eaten nothing but pizza for three days now (minus the bagel I had at lunch on Friday). Today I woke up on a couch with a cat on my feet. I still haven't finished any stories. I'm such a jerk.

I just fainted, literally. It's always such a strange feeling. I imagine it is as close to death as I'll ever know- until the last day of my life. One minute standing, the next I'm lying on the floor. My body limp. Minutes later. Lying there, these are the things my brain thought of.

Have I eaten today? (yes) Am I dehydrated? (I shouldn't be. I had juice and coffee already...) I probably just stood up too fast. (But it's not like I'm 80. What does standing up to fast have to do with anything?) Am I really that unhealthy? (I take vitamins, damn it!)

I've decided that I'm really good at starting things, and there are aliens at my door! No seriously. Run for your life!

I laugh with a tear in my eye thinking about how many times this has happened to me. Why? Sometimes I wonder if it's fate and that I'm really not meant to find what it is that I'm looking for- or maybe what I'm looking for isn't what I'm meant to find. Either way, it sucks.

It really sucks.

Maybe tomorrow I'll crash my car into a big snow bank and sleep forever; if not I'll bury myself into the boring world of my new job. At least I get paid to be there... Tomorrow I'll wake up and dust off my old face, the old smile, and go back into hiding. It's dark and quiet there and I know exactly what to expect.




I've been working on more short stories... Hopefully you can read something other than the pains of my life very soon.

Yesterday I drove home feeling dusty. I felt like I had spent the whole day rolling around in dust and shredded newspapers. My eyes will probably fall out of my head today. Hopefully my glasses will help me keep them from slipping and rolling somewhere under my cubicle. I might end up hiding under it today.

Random thoughts at 6am...

Even a sleep-aid meditation cd didn't work. It's awesome going to bed at 11pm but not actually falling asleep until 3am.

3 hours of sleep just isn't quite enough to deal with my mother. I can't wait to get out on the open road! One of these days I'm going to need to invest in a coffee transporting device that can keep me shaky all the way to Mchenry. Right now I have to settle for whatever I can chug...

Ugh, total nightmare.

Sometimes when something so unexpected happens I find myself at a loss for words. In this case, however, I have too many words... Maybe someday I'll tell you about it. Right now, I'll settle for dreaming and leaving the world in mystery.

Have I always been like this? I can’t seem to remember. I pass through relationships before they even start, all in my mind. I exhaust the possibilities, the fantasies, and the intrigue. I fizzle out and come to some mundane sort of “conclusion” that has no bearing on real life because I'm thinking about things that don’t actually exist. I have to question my attention span. I guess it’s all good fun to ponder things, even if there’s no truth in it. I'm happiest when I have lovely things to daydream.

I'm feeling too accessible these days. Can you sense that I'm already inching toward the door on this? Any second now I’m going to make a run for it and I know I won’t look back. One day everyone will know the truth.