I survived today with minor bruises. Just kidding. Tomorrow I'm off to Jury duty. I'm not sure how I feel about this considering how early I have to wake up to be there. I'm sure that I can't talk about it (right?).

I can't seem to get a clear head today. Unable to focus. Unable to concentrate. Unable to let myself think about anything for more than 2 seconds before moving onto the next unthinkable thing.

One day at a time. Maybe tomorrow the answers will be there. Maybe tomorrow my life will make sense.

I was asked by two people what my thoughts were about quitting school recently. I might mention that one of these people happened to be my mother. But the thing is I know it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. If I quit school, again, I know that I'm looking at a retail job for the rest of my days. If I keep going there's only a chance that I won't have a retail job for the rest of my life- or maybe I'll get lucky and have a nice desk somewhere. As of right now I don't think that I'm about to quit. Though it is one of the few things in this world that I'm good at, quitting that is.

This weekend, my life got a bit more complicated than I expected. I'm not complaining- but it definitely added a few new things into the mix of thoughts that I haven't had to deal with in a while.

One day at a time.

I've been having way to many "when did my life turn out to be this" moments. I feel sick inside- how all I can focus on and think about is everything that's wrong with me and how my life is. Even when those rare awesome moments come along- they end up getting pushed aside by the rest of the shit that fills my days.

I hate myself when I'm like this. But I feel so defeated. Nothing is turning out right this semester. Nothing. My classes are going to shit and I don't even know what happened that made everything go wrong. When did this start? How did it get this bad? I'm hopeless.

The worst of it is I can't talk to anyone about it. (this section was deleted)
I don't want to talk to anyone about it.

Quitting school though, that sounds so completely awesome to me right now. I just found out that another one of my friends is graduating in December. I feel so shitty. I'm never going to be done and every day is like a year and three steps back. I can't understand why this bothers me so much. I have never really liked school. I mean, I like learning and the whole interaction thing can be ok at times and I thought that going to a more laid back art school would be an overall better situation for me but I'm finding myself slumping back into old feelings about wanting to either kill myself or just cut myself off from the world (aka- giving up on everything).

I'm never going to amount to anything. I know that. I know that there isn't a god damn thing inside me that is going to make any kind of mark on society. My options aren't looking good- and that silver lining that people talk about looks black and dull to me. Not shiny and full of hope at all. I have nothing. So sitting here, thinking like this it's kind of hard to muster up any gumption toward waking up everyday, getting out of bed, brushing my teeth (which I'll have you know that I didn't do today and I don't feel bad about it at all), venturing out into the world and making an effort or even just breathing. What do I have to live for, really?

NOW STOP. You're reading this wrong. I know you are. If you are actually reading this you may be thinking something along the lines of "good grief, here she goes again." but seriously, STOP. I'm not suicidal, first off. I don't want to kill myself though I could think of at least 50 reasons why. I'm just over analyzing things and trying to find a point. I'm trying to justify trying or maybe I'm trying to justify failing. Either way I'm looking for the big picture here and I'm sick of lying to myself about everything.

I'm sick of other people lying to me. Telling me that they care and how they have faith. I have to say that I think that the word "faith" has to be my least favorite word in the english language. There's nothing productive about it and it doesn't help anyone, really.

I would stab someone to be able to smoke a cigarette while I'm writing this, right now, by the way.

All I think about every day is one of two things- what I need to do- and what I want to do. What I need to do is finish what I've started. What I want to do is always generalized in my mind. I want to get out of here. I want to turn my back on so many things, disappear from so many peoples lives and start a new life somewhere else. I don't know "what I want to do" with my life. Actually I don't really care anymore. I know what I don't want to do. Does that count? I don't want to crunch numbers for people sitting at a desk. I don't want to wipe snotty noses or pick up dog shit. I don't want to work outside in the winter. I don't want to do something that makes me lift things half as heavy as I am (if I get one skinny joke... I swear I'll kill you). I don't want to bring people food. I don't want to do something that I'll get tired of after twenty minutes (which is a challenge).

Wait- actually. I do know what I want to do. Nothing. It's always been nothing. I could think of nothing better to do with my life than live it. Nothing more, nothing less. Is that so much to ask? To let me do nothing with my life, for the rest of my life? Unfortunately we both know the answer to that- considering I do aspire to move back out of my house someday- the sooner the better... but I'm not lucky enough to be able to afford to be able to do nothing though. I never will be- so I know my future. I accept defeat. I'll be a cubicle monkey or a register slave, a retail zombie, I'll teach rug-rats how to read or answer phones for someone else for the rest of my life. fine. good. So where does that leave me and my make up anthropology midterm? I don't know. I do know that I have to go outside right now and there is a chance that this train of thought may be continued- but there is also a chance that it will end here.

now.

Happy Birthday Margot!

It's not over yet but hopefully it will be soon. Holidays have always been hard on me for some reason. I guess it's mostly because I don't like mass quantities of people around me- which is why I'm usually in my room when people are over. It's not even really that I don't like my family because as we've been getting older it's gotten a lot better between all of us, I think. I don't really have anything to say. Everyone in my house is watching football. I never watch football. I have nothing to say in a conversation about football. In general conversations that I take part in always revolve around "the young man in my life" (or lack there of) or school and once those two topics have been covered there really isn't anything else to say. My family isn't interested in my life- not that I can blame them. My life isn't that interesting. I'm an introvert. I know. I like it this way.

snip, snip, snip, chop, chop, chop

Will I recognize the shadow in the mirror when it's over?

I'm already starting to feel anxious about the holidays. All of them. This year is going to be... different.

I really need a new copy of the Wizard of Oz of my own because as nice as it is to be watching it on TV tonight, it sucks dealing with commercials. This movie owns me. I think that is the only way that I can say it. I change inside when I watch it. My mind is in a whole new realm that is neither good or bad but more just open. I sound like a retard don't I? Yeah, I know. You're right. I'm done now.

I woke up this morning and fainted. I decided that I should probably lay back down. When I got up again I came close to fainting again but quickly sat down on the floor as soon as my vision started blurring to avoid the spill that I took earlier (ouch). Now I just feel weak and shaky.

ONWARD!
Off to school I go!

Do you know what is really awesome? sending emails to your teachers (notice that's plural) about how you want to talk with them about stuff and never EVER getting any replies. Makes me feel really good and want to work so hard when people can't take 2 mintues to send me a reply. Fuck all of you.

Oh and picture this... Standing outside at 4am smoking a cigarette because you can't sleep belching while exhaling a lung full of smoke and instantly puking up whatever you ate for dinner.

i feel great. no really. just great.

I'm bored.

I wish I could end up here.

(this section of post has been deleted by the author due to lack of inspiration. In translation- I got nothing.)

Tonight was good. I laughed and came close to tears of joy and laughter and then got my socks rocked off by this band, Yeti. I guess I needed a good night out. Hopefully more will follow- soon.

For the record.

I had this conversation with no one the other day explaining how I don’t see myself as an ogre. I was analyzing about how there isn’t a guy within a 20 mile radius that I have found worthy of dating- not that that matters considering the fact that it’s not as though anyone’s beating down my door. I'm semi-positive that I would do just fine in a normal singles dating scene but they are there and I am here. I'm not about to start ANOTHER relationship where I have to use major public transportation to be able to see the guy. That sucks. I'm not doing that again (at least I haven’t gotten to that point yet.) I'm beyond frustrated. Living in the suburbs is killing me socially. Between my blank dance card and my dwindling list of friends I’ve become a sad human- dare I say OGRE. So be it. I'm stuck in this hell hole for as long as it takes because I have to get a degree. My life hasn’t been mine for a very long time and now that I'm free in another way I'm finding myself even more oppressed. I’ve given up on Prince Charming a long time ago and if I saw him I’d probably throw rocks at his head. What’s really pathetic though is the fact that I constantly fanaticize about lives with men who don’t want me. I understand that I'm not desirable. I get it. I’ve never thought that highly of myself anyway. It just sucks being alone. It sucks not having a date on a Saturday night, ever. It sucks feeling like an Ogre or an ugly duckling or a wallflower or whatever sad lame term that you want to put on me. I'm damaged goods, folks. I speak openly and bitterly and I don’t want to hear about all the hot dates that everyone else is going on. Don’t take that wrong. Those of you who are socially apt- good for you. Good. Grand. Fantastic. I'm happy for you all. In the mean time- shove it.

I'm scared to go to sleep right now. I don't want tomorrow to ever show up. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I need to go. I need to get out of here. I need to not do this anymore. I need to be away from all of you. I need to get a life.

Reasons Why I should Quit School:

I. Because I've already Fucked up This WHole Semester.
_____A. I'm behind in all my classes except one.
_____B. I really don't think that I'll ever catch up at this point.
_____C. I've missed too many days and it isn't even midterm yet (not _______quite).
II. I'm uninterested in Everything that's part of my major.
_____A. My teachers don't respond to my emails about how lost I feel.
_____B. I feel a twinge of dread every Wednesday morning that doesn't _______ever go away.
_____C. History is the only class that I'm interested and caught up in.
III. I don't think that I belong in School.
_____A. This keeps happening.
_____B. This keeps happening.
_____C. This keeps happening.

This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.
This keeps happening. This keeps happening. This keeps happening.

So I'm sitting here instead of sitting on the train on my way to class. I don't think that I care anymore- but I'm not entirely sure about that either. I always feel like a disappointment and if not to anyone else than I'm a disappointment to MYSELF. I can't ever seem to do things right: love, life, work, school, setting an alarm clock- the way that everyone on this planet seems to understand how to do. I am the fuck up. I am. It makes me feel worse every time I talk to someone about it. They are always so "encouraging" and it makes me sick inside. I can't explain it. I had this enlightened thought the other day about myself and how I always talk about looking for all these answers to all these questions that I have about myself and life but what I realized is that, in truth, I'm not looking for answers, I'm looking for excuses. Today is just another excuse. I'm sure I'll have one tomorrow as well. Now the question, heh, is if I'm conscious of this theory how will I change. The answer here is obvious.

I just allowed myself to get up out of bed. Yeah I meant to use those words. People don't believe me, I think, when I tell people how I just can't make myself get up when I'm having epic dreams. I will admitt that there is a choice in the matter but seriously- if I let myself wake up I'll never know what could have happened or if I'll ever get there again.

I woke up today from a dream that had me everywhere in the world. My eyes switched positions a few times so it's really hard to say all that happened to "me." Most of what I remember from my dream causually and pathetically reflect my current life situation- I met a guy, fell in love with him and he never knew I existed. Memories were brought up scattered through bizarre dialogue about Carbondale and things that I can't think of now but were there and maybe they only seemed like memories in my dream but never really meant anything to my conscious mind. I allowed the dream to end when I was about to be raped in an elevator. That rocked- but for the record: I got away and was possibly on my way to the arms of the boy who never really saw me but now I'll never know if the dream was meant for a happy ending. Oh well. There's always tomorrow night.

I'm an idiot. I spend ANOTHER Saturday night alone because I waited too late to try to make plans. It's a sad sad night for me. I may kill myself.

Have I ever told you about how my heart hurts, a lot. It's not a stabbing or piercing pain of any kind. It's more of a dull lifeless ache. It's the reason that I never want to leave my room- let alone my bed- when I don't actually have to.

Yesterday was one of the best days that I've had in a long time.

(this section of entry has been deleted to protect the privacy of the author. Susan is reported sorry if she has become a disappointment.)

PS- Beastie Boys concert is definitely on my top 10 list of best shows ever.

Margot came over last night after she got off work and we spoke a bit about how we thought this election was going to turn out. No matter who got elected- giant douche or turd sandwich- our country is fucked. The next four years are going to be shitty either way.

I'm not happy that we have another 4 years with Wonder-Bush boy but can anyone tell me honestly that they didn't see this coming? There was hope, yes. There was always hope and the fact that the election went as it did says something for sure. I think the important fact is that people in this country got off their asses for once and tried. I'm glad I was one of them. Now there isn't anything anyone can do but hope that President Bush will surprise people like me. I was talking to someone who voted for him. When I asked them why they replied, "I want him to finish what he started." Now I'm not saying that I concur with that thinking but I can say that I do respect that attitude. I think that is what's important. The decisions have been made and now we're all along for the ride together. Buckle up, kiddies.

I voted today. Did you? I hope you did.

My brother's wedding was by far the greatest extravaganza event that I have ever experienced. The alcohol. The drugs. The dancing. It didn't stop until I kicked everyone (yeah everyone! My whole god damned family) out of my hotel room at about 5am. Generations of my family, and my suedo-new family were in the hotel room that Margot and I were staying in until ungodly hours and everyone was completely trashed. Have you ever seen your Great Aunt and your Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, friends, Old Neighbors etc all in the same room really really drunk and some of them under the influence of marijuana? I have. Oh, I have. It was a fantastic weekend that was capped off with a trip to Fright Fest at 6 Flags. It took me a whole day in bed to be (sort of) recovered. There is just too much. I can't tell you everything. You should have been there. You should have seen Erin and I dancing to Johnny Cash. You should have seen my cousins stumbling around. For those of you who experienced a certain New Years at my house a few years back- that was nothing. I don't know what else to say.

I'm still pissed that I didn't get to go swimming.