So I've been listening to this album all day, the new stuff from Jimmy Eat World. It's rocking, kids, rocking me good. I started it when I got to Union Station this morning and by about Financial Blvd. and Van Buren I hit song number 7 (Drugs or Me) and it was one of those moments where you hear a song and something in your life seems to make sense that you didn't realize before. Songs that touch you, make you feel something- that is track 7 on Jimmy Eat World's Futures for me. I'm listening to it again right now. In truth it made me think of Ben a lot and in the kindest of ways. Kind of therapeutic to my break up scene. If you haven't heard Jimmy Eat World before, I recommend that you check them out- and get the new album you assholes- it's really good. I promise.

This is great- not really work appropriate but not horrible either... there's sound if that makes a difference.

I laughed my ass off!

http://minibytes.mondominishows.com/poo/affiliates/play.asp?Affil=iwon&W

I'm sinking again. I just can't seem to lift my head out of the clouds this year. I can see this impending doom hanging just at the horizon but I can't seem to pick my feet up to run from it. What's wrong with me? Why do I insist on standing around watching the walls crumble and melt? I'm just a lazy asshole I guess. It really sucks though. This whole semester has felt like a joke. It's like I don't have a million things to juggle time over so somehow I'm just letting everything drop. All of it. I don't want to be this way. (On a side note: I think that I need to permanently remove the word "really" from my vocabulary.) Today I had strong feelings about quitting school again and moving away from Chicago, finding a job somewhere and starting a new life. I know, in my heart, that this is just a stupid slump that I'm going through due to living at my house with my "wedding driven" family. I swear! I'm so fucking sick of this wedding bullshit and if I hear one more thing about my dress not being fitted or get questioned one more time about how I'm going to do my hair I'm going to rip it all out. I'm sick of hearing about table settings and who my cousin's dates are. Just chain my legs and cart me where ever you want me to be and I'll zombie myself down the isle. Maybe this is the problem. Maybe it's my mother who keeps coming into my room every 15 minutes for no real reason but always with an excuse. Maybe it's my all-yelling-all-the-time brother. Maybe it's the fact that every loud conversation has to take place 3 feet from my bedroom door but I'm not allowed to play my music loud past 10 o'clock. It could be the fact that I have never felt completely at ease- even in my own room- in months.

I need to get out of here.

Did I tell you that I found my doorway. I found it and had to push it aside and now I can't really seem to write anything. See what it is is that I'm supposed to write this "instance" collection for my Prose Forms class and it has been such a trying experience for me. It's not about the class- at least I don't think my problem is the class. It's mental- as every problem in my life is. I've been in this position too many times before and I've came out of it everytime. I just don't know why I keep allowing myself to repeat this shithead habit. What am I afraid of? Non-Fiction? See that's sort of true. It isn't the subject matter- because that is always my choice. Something else is keeping me down, keeping me from the right words. (note at this point in writing I decided that taking a drink from my neighboring wine bottle was a good idea- and it was twice or so over...)

I need a cigarette. And a hitter.

My hair makes me both sick and angry most of the time. I'm glad though, no more coddling it. I am going to cut it. I will be rid of it. I only wish it were now and not in a few weeks. Sometimes I feel claustrophobic because of it. Other times, I do admit, I feel sheltered. I can't deny the comfort level that there is about it. Queer how you get attached to some things. It's the only thing I've held onto this long besides Ben and he's out of my life now. I want my hair to be gone too. I want to rid myself of the burden and maybe it will force me to stop hiding. I'm tired of hiding. At the same time though, right now in my life, I feel comfort in being alone. There is a difference, you know, between being lonely and being alone. Alone is a choice. Lonely is a weakness. I know that I can never completely write off human contact- though I would be lying if I didn't admit that I have day dreamed from time to time about becoming a hermit on a mountaintop somewhere to live out the rest of my days in solitude and at peace with nature.

What was wrong with today was my renewed sense that even my closest friends don't really know me. I walked away from Ben today. I felt this overwhelming feeling of disappointment and frustration. Am I really this cryptic? Why don't you get me? Why in 4 years have you never understood me? I looked into your eyes today begging you to see me but there was nothing. You spoke to me with, I unfortunately perceived, as bitter arrogance. Friends. A friend shouldn't radiate this icy contempt. Good. Your life is going well. I get it. If you were really friend you would have seen that I'm ok with this. I could still be a friend to you. I miss stuff that we used to do together but today there wasn't anything to say. You were my friend, my love, my shoulder and I did lean. But I am capable of standing on my own. I feel like I have been for a very long time now, anyhow. Throw whatever you want in my face if that makes you feel better. Say whatever you want. You can try to cut me down but you won't see me because you never have and your words won't be heard. When you're ready to be the friend that I remember- the one that I wanted to talk to, let me know. Let me know.

I've thought long and hard about deleting this blog in light of recent events in my life. But that was then. I'm not going to allow myself to feel censored in something that I created as a medium for me to well... You read this shit. You know what I do here.

so yeah. Long live the bloody.

It's weird but I don't really feel sad anymore. I mean part of me does, and I think part of me always will. What happened cut me really deeply and though I'll heal, there will always be a scar on my heart (one of many). But I agree that it's for the best. Not like we were going to get married or anything. But see that logic isn't really solid with me. Considering how I feel on the subject of marriage to begin with- thinking about relationships that way will get me no where- and I's gots needs. ugh. I'm done.

I keep getting pulled back to my computer. i open up my email accounts. i search through my lists of "favorites" and i know i'm looking for answers that aren't going to be there. but i can't stop looking for them. if i only try harder maybe i'll see them the next time. i close the window. immediately i reopen the same window. did i miss something. is it there? is it gone? was it ever there to begin with?

when i'm away from my computer the paranoia turns toward my phone. ask me how many times i picked up my phone today to stare at the screen wondering if it would ring or if i would have the nerve. ask me.

can you read my cryptic words?

It's funny because I was talking with Margot last night about how I find myself unable to sleep until 3 in the afternoon all of a sudden. I blamed that on school and stress but a peculiar yet familiar thing happened to me today.

I woke up at 3 in the afternoon. I proceeded to stay in bed until around 5 when I decided that I couldn't put off relieving my blatter and satisfying my stupid hunger any longer. Food doesn't do well with me these days. My sour disposition has been horribly affecting every aspect of my life. I don't have the taste for much of anything anymore. It was around 6 that my voice mail decided to tell me about the message that Margot had left on my phone an hour eariler. (my cell phone is really stupid.) I was a good friend today and brought her food while she was at work because she's a sucker with a job and got screwed out of her break. While there I decided to buy the Garden State soundtrack and have been listening to it. It feels good to have the right songs playing. I don't know if this is just me but I get into funks about music where nothing is really what I want to hear- reguardless of whether or not I really like the music in general. Nothing is good enough. Nothing is right. But I'm really liking this CD. My craving for something new and different to listen to hasn't yet been completely fulfilled but I'm working on it and open for suggestions.

Today was better and not really all at the same time. I guess my real problem right now is accepting my pointless life and realizing that I have no choice and that nothing will ever work out the way that I want.

Are you still there? You kept reading this far? You were skimming weren't you. It's ok. I wouldn't have made it this far either.

This is what I wrote in while attempting to watch Dodgeball at the Vic tonight...

I went to Brew and View and I started to think about you. And then I stopped and really thought- and I had this realization that there really isn't anything left in this city that doesn't make me think of you

and then I cursed you.

Now part of me wonders if I shouldn't just get out of this place for good but right now that idea is impossible or so it seems.

It's like a thousand doors slamming in my face all at once and so it has felt for most of my life. You just added another one. I'm running out of places to run to. I think I might hate you now.

***
On the way home all I could think about was how it must be so easy to walk away when there's already a replacement in your bed. That is why it was hard for you before. That is why it's hard for me now (except the joke is really on me this time because there technically never was anyone but you ever in my bed where as you're actually getting some). I'm left empty and alone while you obviously have someone and I have a pretty damn good idea whom this lady is. There are so many questions that I want to ask that I don't want to ask and that I will never ask. All I really know at this point is that I can't talk to you, and I'm not sure if I ever want to talk to you again. I'm not saying that to be mean... It just is how I feel.

Now to every one else that may read this - for the record I've decided never to post about this again. We'll see now if I ever post anything ever again. Rejects don't need recognition. They need to die in peace.

Part of me wonders what friends I have left now that he walked away from me. Who ever they are they have no idea how bad I hurt right now.

Ben broke up with me.

there I said it. I told you his name. I told you the truth. I lost my boyfriend and my best friend in one breath yesterday and now I'm lost. Standard line of "I just want to be friends."

good luck with that. I'll never hate him but I can never look at him the same way. What fucks with my head the most is that I know I had it coming. I knew. I just keep having these moments where it's hard to breath and you know I don't cry right... right. Why don't you tell me how to make it stop.