My hair makes me both sick and angry most of the time. I'm glad though, no more coddling it. I am going to cut it. I will be rid of it. I only wish it were now and not in a few weeks. Sometimes I feel claustrophobic because of it. Other times, I do admit, I feel sheltered. I can't deny the comfort level that there is about it. Queer how you get attached to some things. It's the only thing I've held onto this long besides Ben and he's out of my life now. I want my hair to be gone too. I want to rid myself of the burden and maybe it will force me to stop hiding. I'm tired of hiding. At the same time though, right now in my life, I feel comfort in being alone. There is a difference, you know, between being lonely and being alone. Alone is a choice. Lonely is a weakness. I know that I can never completely write off human contact- though I would be lying if I didn't admit that I have day dreamed from time to time about becoming a hermit on a mountaintop somewhere to live out the rest of my days in solitude and at peace with nature.

What was wrong with today was my renewed sense that even my closest friends don't really know me. I walked away from Ben today. I felt this overwhelming feeling of disappointment and frustration. Am I really this cryptic? Why don't you get me? Why in 4 years have you never understood me? I looked into your eyes today begging you to see me but there was nothing. You spoke to me with, I unfortunately perceived, as bitter arrogance. Friends. A friend shouldn't radiate this icy contempt. Good. Your life is going well. I get it. If you were really friend you would have seen that I'm ok with this. I could still be a friend to you. I miss stuff that we used to do together but today there wasn't anything to say. You were my friend, my love, my shoulder and I did lean. But I am capable of standing on my own. I feel like I have been for a very long time now, anyhow. Throw whatever you want in my face if that makes you feel better. Say whatever you want. You can try to cut me down but you won't see me because you never have and your words won't be heard. When you're ready to be the friend that I remember- the one that I wanted to talk to, let me know. Let me know.