I can't remember what I was watching on TV last night that caused it, or if it had anything to do with anything, but I cried last night before I fell asleep- before I forced myself to fall asleep.

My life has plateaued. I have reached a comfortable, tolerable level of humanity but at the same time there are many things missing. Too many things. I could very easily go on like this for quite some time. I could get by but like always it won't ever be enough. I feel like a human sponge. I suck energy and the necessities of life (food, clothing, shelter, alcohol) from those around me willing to donate. I want, deeply want, to be self sufficient like I know that I am more than capable of but when it comes down to it- down to actually getting my shit together- something always gets in the way of things for me mentally. I am not depressed, not really. I am scared, but I've always been a little scared. It just sucks to have the brain of a scared little girl stuck in the body of a grown woman- which I am... When will the madness end??

It won't end. There is nothing in this life that gives me any hope toward it ever ending which makes me want to curl up in a ball somewhere dark and hide until fire falls from the sky. Burn me like the devil that I am. If there were to be a great flood I'd stand in the spillway and wait for it to bowl me over. Maybe I'd end up someplace new, a wonderland or a crazy land like the ones hiding from me over rainbows. If only I could get to those places. I wouldn't be stupid enough to spend the entire time looking for a way to leave, to return to this reality where I have so much of nothing and nothing to show for it. ... I have memories and a place to sleep, food appears occasionally, drugs...

Can I really spend a lifetime hiding and looking for the impossible? Can I go against all my childish instincts and deny my imagination the hope of any or all of that? No. No to both. I can't choose but I can't win. I can't breathe.

It really doesn't make any sense to sleep on one side of the bed when there is no one to share the other side. I don't know that I'm ready to share my bed with anyone right now. Lately I've grown accustomed to rearranging my pillows at night, right in the middle. Some mornings I wake up and realize that I slept like a corpse, hands folded across my chest and the blankets completely undisturbed. Other nights are chaos and come morning I'm tangled and laying diagonal.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm capable of the concept of intimacy without intimacy (if that makes sense). I tell myself that I can... There is an always present panic alarm going off in my head the second I can see anyone try to get closer to me. I have to wonder when that started. Was I always this nervous and awkward?

I feel like bashing my head into another brick wall, this time going past the concussion and straight to dead.

Happy Birthday.

Life is wonderful when it's full of surprises. This week has only just begun but already I've been most pleasantly surprised by a sudden shift in the weather. I have so many new games to learn and play.

Somebody pinch me.

I'm not sure what good it will do anyone to post this but I'm going out of town for the weekend. Call my phone, if you have the number. I'll be back Sunday if I haven't gone crazy by then.

I've found a new "favorite place" out here in the suburbs. It's quiet with lots of trees. Today I saw a deer and watched two baby rabbits hop for about ten minutes. They were fuzzy and cute. I'm starting to believe that writing outdoors will save my life, or confirm the many reasons to the contrary. Here's a blurb of what my brain told me today. I'm leaving out the rant about moving to a convent...

There are days when I wake up and it feels as though the world decided to spin backwards while I was sleeping. Gravity remains intact and I am still rooted on the ground but nothing feels the same. There are days when laughter is empty, smiles lose all meaning. Sometimes I can't tell if I want to scream, shout, or just curl up into a ball and cry.

It's funny to me how in a moment, a breath of a second, the entire world can change. Sometimes for the better, other times not... There are days when I can feel so small, small and shrinking. Other days, without my glasses, the world grows. Things can appear to me to be too large. Everyday objects seem foreign and everything is out of place.

I feel out of place.

I have always felt that way and there has always been something inside me, a quiet little voice, that urges me to run, to leave everything and everyone that I know behind. But I can never seem to manage it. I've tried time and time again but the quiet voice inside me is never satisfied. It never goes away.

I have realized over time that it is fate. Me and the little voice are both condemned. Neither will ever truly be satisfied with this life. And knowing that and feeling the world spin backwards, feeling small and shrinking behind my glasses, I wish for everything to end. Fade to black and finally silence the quiet voice inside me.

Day after day I wait and listen and sometimes I wonder where it all comes from. I sometimes feel like there are a million eyes looking at me but none of them ever really see me. It's a rare feeling of bliss to know the feeling of being truly seen by someone, with the good and the bad. But those rare people that enter my life don't usually stay. I'm beginning to believe that there won't ever be anyone like that in my life and honestly... I would love to say that I don't care. Normally I'd say that I wear my heart on my sleeve but I can feel a change inside me lately and my mangled heart is growing cold, carefully hidden back in place behind my rib cage.

I don't think I'll ever feel whole again.

more poetry.

Quicksand

If I should wake before I die,
I’d tell you I’m sorry.
Sometimes, always, never matters when
everything is after, thought.

I’d tell you that I was sorry.
Too often, too much is always unsaid,
just an afterthought, but really
I think I might mean it this time.

Never saying too much, too often,
but speaking in silence
even after thinking
Why don’t I just shout for once?

Silence can speak.
Listen to my eyes,
screaming
I give up.

My eyes will tell you that
sometimes or always never matter. When
I give up,
everything is an afterthought.