I can't remember what I was watching on TV last night that caused it, or if it had anything to do with anything, but I cried last night before I fell asleep- before I forced myself to fall asleep.

My life has plateaued. I have reached a comfortable, tolerable level of humanity but at the same time there are many things missing. Too many things. I could very easily go on like this for quite some time. I could get by but like always it won't ever be enough. I feel like a human sponge. I suck energy and the necessities of life (food, clothing, shelter, alcohol) from those around me willing to donate. I want, deeply want, to be self sufficient like I know that I am more than capable of but when it comes down to it- down to actually getting my shit together- something always gets in the way of things for me mentally. I am not depressed, not really. I am scared, but I've always been a little scared. It just sucks to have the brain of a scared little girl stuck in the body of a grown woman- which I am... When will the madness end??

It won't end. There is nothing in this life that gives me any hope toward it ever ending which makes me want to curl up in a ball somewhere dark and hide until fire falls from the sky. Burn me like the devil that I am. If there were to be a great flood I'd stand in the spillway and wait for it to bowl me over. Maybe I'd end up someplace new, a wonderland or a crazy land like the ones hiding from me over rainbows. If only I could get to those places. I wouldn't be stupid enough to spend the entire time looking for a way to leave, to return to this reality where I have so much of nothing and nothing to show for it. ... I have memories and a place to sleep, food appears occasionally, drugs...

Can I really spend a lifetime hiding and looking for the impossible? Can I go against all my childish instincts and deny my imagination the hope of any or all of that? No. No to both. I can't choose but I can't win. I can't breathe.