Oh fuck!

... oh yeah. i got my phone back. let's just say that I can add 5 more "retard points" to my "inventory." (and if you don't know what i'm talking about... nevermind)

for the record:

I'm not gay. I have on occasion been thought of as a lesbian and flattered by being hit on by women. My vagina likes men. Why then would I take a quiz to see what kind of lesbian I am? Why the fuck not! and look at those results- tell me why I'm laughing right now! i beg you!


You scored as The Little-Boy Dyke. You bare an uncanny resemblance to a teenage boy, but your facial piercings and natural beauty are usually an indication that you really are a woman.

The Femme Fatale		75%
The Little-Boy Dyke		75%
The Bohemian Dyke		60%
The Student Dyke		50%
The Quasi-Gothic Femme		45%
The Sprightly Elfin Femme		45%
The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke		40%
The Stud		40%
The Granola Dyke		35%
The Pretty-Boi Dyke		30%
The Magic Earring Ken Dyke		25%
The Surprise! Dyke		20%
The Hipster Dyke		15%

What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.)
created with QuizFarm.com

they took my car away today. it's gone. i'm almost sad about it, the bucket that it was. at least i know it'll be taken care of. now i get to share a car with my MOTHER! woowhoo!

i discovered a completely awesome new past-time for my suburban life style... down hill racing- little red wagon style. so far i've only crashed once and no serious injuries. i can't wait to do it again. the problem is, you need 3 people to do the job right: the driver, the pusher and the guy who can watch for cars 'cause once that baby is going, there's pretty much no way to stop.

don't call me for a few days- or ever again at this point. i don't have a phone to answer and haven't had a phone all day today so if you did call and i didn't answer it wasn't my fault- not really. if and when the plague on my life turns up i'll make a note for anyone who cares.

my world is spinning around me and i can't even see straight right now. i have to get through this week alive. HAVE TO. i don't think i can. being stressed out and seriously depressed is really fun without cigarettes. i recommend it. or you could just do what i do, turn to drugs and alcohol to dull the pain until morning, when gas stations will be open.

Most days feel muddled, water-based paint left out in the rain all run together making a rainbow of nothing. But some days you can actually feel the page turn, or a chapter come to a close. Flip. Flip. Flip. So is life in my mind. No matter how much I hide, life goes on without me and when I muster up the courage to peek my head back out into the sun I get to see how it's all changed. Every now and then something surprises me, but not today. There wasn't anything that surprised me today and tomorrow looks to be another day. The sun will rise and set and in between I will wake up with the rest of the human race and go through the motions of another day. Tomorrow my mind will be raped and I will run away and hide behind my cloud of drugs and cry myself to sleep, as I often do.

Last week my theRapist gave me a piece of paper. This is what was printed on it...

TEN RULES FOR EMOTIONAL HEALTH

1. Take care of yourself. Take time to relax, exercise, eat well, spend time with people you enjoy and activities which you find pleasurable. When you are the best, you can be the best that you can be in relationships.

2. Choose to find the positives in life experiences instead of focusing on the negatives. Most clouds have a silver lining and offer opportunities for personal understanding and growth. When you accept that things are difficult and just do what you need to do then it doesn't seem so hard.

3. Let go of the past. If you can't change it and you have no control over it then let it go. Don't waste your energy on things that cannot benefit you. Forgive yourself and others.

4. Be respectful and responsible. Don't worry about other people; do what you know is right for you. When you take care of business you feel good. Don't get caught up in blaming others.

5. Acknowledge and take credit for your successes and accomplishments. Avoid false modesty.

6. Take the time to develop one or two close relationships in which you can be honest about your thoughts and feelings.

7. Talk positively to yourself. We talk to ourselves all day long. If we are saying negative and fearful things then that is the way we feel.

8. Remove yourself from hurtful or damaging situations. Temporarily walk away from a situation that is getting out of control. Give yourself some space and problem solve a positive approach to dealing with it.

9. Accept that life is about choices and is always bringing change to you which requires adjustment.

10. Have a plan for the future. Develop long range goals for yourself, but work on them one day at a time.

Today I smoked myself into a coma and when I felt reality baring down on me again I did something typical for myself when my mind is troubled: I cleaned. I started simply. I picked up clothes off the floor, made my bed. But it was more than that. Every shirt I put on a hanger was carefully placed in the closet. Every crease was folded purposefully and every wrinkle smoothed from my bed before I was satisfied. And then it wasn't enough. I took it down, all of it and ended up with my mattress and boxspring in the hallway. After a few hours of pushing and pulling at my furniture I was satisfied that my room would never be as I wish it could be- because it will only be what it has always been and that has never been good enough. It'll do, though. It'll do for now. I went though the motions a second time on making my bed once more, placing the pillows just so and moved on to my bookshelf which had a new place in my room. I took them one by one and put them back on the shelves in alphabetical order by the author's last name. I separated fiction from non. My favorite part of my new room is my new secret hiding place that's a cozy little corner of pillows where I can lounge and not be bothered and unless you were looking, you probably wouldn't notice I was there. I have yet to take full advantage of that space but when I do, with the summer wind blowing in through my windows and my books above my head, it will be lovely.

There were no surprises for me today despite the changes. No. I was not surprised. And here it is already tomorrow, and in a few hours I will rise with the sun and the rest of the human race and go through the motions of another day. But suddenly, I feel like crying. Could it be because I know in my heart that another chapter has suddenly ended? Or is it because another is about to begin and the path isn't clear to me? Maybe it's because of you. Maybe it's everything. Maybe it's nothing.

Everyday it gets harder and harder to find a way to get up. And then the fear sets in and my chest feels heavy and it's hard to breathe. It's like I want to jump up and run to somewhere but my legs aren't agreeing with my head and all I can do is cover my head with the blanket and curl up into a ball and cry until the feeling stops. Sometimes it takes a long time for the feeling to stop.

I really want to ask for help, but even if it were right in front of me I don't think I'd have the courage to accept it. But it would be nice... Because it's not easy to watch your life fall apart alone. It's not so easy to watch everything fall through your fingers and not be able to stop it- to take hold again and get it back. And you all know about how once it's gone...