Most days feel muddled, water-based paint left out in the rain all run together making a rainbow of nothing. But some days you can actually feel the page turn, or a chapter come to a close. Flip. Flip. Flip. So is life in my mind. No matter how much I hide, life goes on without me and when I muster up the courage to peek my head back out into the sun I get to see how it's all changed. Every now and then something surprises me, but not today. There wasn't anything that surprised me today and tomorrow looks to be another day. The sun will rise and set and in between I will wake up with the rest of the human race and go through the motions of another day. Tomorrow my mind will be raped and I will run away and hide behind my cloud of drugs and cry myself to sleep, as I often do.
Last week my theRapist gave me a piece of paper. This is what was printed on it...
TEN RULES FOR EMOTIONAL HEALTH
1. Take care of yourself. Take time to relax, exercise, eat well, spend time with people you enjoy and activities which you find pleasurable. When you are the best, you can be the best that you can be in relationships.
2. Choose to find the positives in life experiences instead of focusing on the negatives. Most clouds have a silver lining and offer opportunities for personal understanding and growth. When you accept that things are difficult and just do what you need to do then it doesn't seem so hard.
3. Let go of the past. If you can't change it and you have no control over it then let it go. Don't waste your energy on things that cannot benefit you. Forgive yourself and others.
4. Be respectful and responsible. Don't worry about other people; do what you know is right for you. When you take care of business you feel good. Don't get caught up in blaming others.
5. Acknowledge and take credit for your successes and accomplishments. Avoid false modesty.
6. Take the time to develop one or two close relationships in which you can be honest about your thoughts and feelings.
7. Talk positively to yourself. We talk to ourselves all day long. If we are saying negative and fearful things then that is the way we feel.
8. Remove yourself from hurtful or damaging situations. Temporarily walk away from a situation that is getting out of control. Give yourself some space and problem solve a positive approach to dealing with it.
9. Accept that life is about choices and is always bringing change to you which requires adjustment.
10. Have a plan for the future. Develop long range goals for yourself, but work on them one day at a time.
Today I smoked myself into a coma and when I felt reality baring down on me again I did something typical for myself when my mind is troubled: I cleaned. I started simply. I picked up clothes off the floor, made my bed. But it was more than that. Every shirt I put on a hanger was carefully placed in the closet. Every crease was folded purposefully and every wrinkle smoothed from my bed before I was satisfied. And then it wasn't enough. I took it down, all of it and ended up with my mattress and boxspring in the hallway. After a few hours of pushing and pulling at my furniture I was satisfied that my room would never be as I wish it could be- because it will only be what it has always been and that has never been good enough. It'll do, though. It'll do for now. I went though the motions a second time on making my bed once more, placing the pillows just so and moved on to my bookshelf which had a new place in my room. I took them one by one and put them back on the shelves in alphabetical order by the author's last name. I separated fiction from non. My favorite part of my new room is my new secret hiding place that's a cozy little corner of pillows where I can lounge and not be bothered and unless you were looking, you probably wouldn't notice I was there. I have yet to take full advantage of that space but when I do, with the summer wind blowing in through my windows and my books above my head, it will be lovely.
There were no surprises for me today despite the changes. No. I was not surprised. And here it is already tomorrow, and in a few hours I will rise with the sun and the rest of the human race and go through the motions of another day. But suddenly, I feel like crying. Could it be because I know in my heart that another chapter has suddenly ended? Or is it because another is about to begin and the path isn't clear to me? Maybe it's because of you. Maybe it's everything. Maybe it's nothing.
Last week my theRapist gave me a piece of paper. This is what was printed on it...
TEN RULES FOR EMOTIONAL HEALTH
1. Take care of yourself. Take time to relax, exercise, eat well, spend time with people you enjoy and activities which you find pleasurable. When you are the best, you can be the best that you can be in relationships.
2. Choose to find the positives in life experiences instead of focusing on the negatives. Most clouds have a silver lining and offer opportunities for personal understanding and growth. When you accept that things are difficult and just do what you need to do then it doesn't seem so hard.
3. Let go of the past. If you can't change it and you have no control over it then let it go. Don't waste your energy on things that cannot benefit you. Forgive yourself and others.
4. Be respectful and responsible. Don't worry about other people; do what you know is right for you. When you take care of business you feel good. Don't get caught up in blaming others.
5. Acknowledge and take credit for your successes and accomplishments. Avoid false modesty.
6. Take the time to develop one or two close relationships in which you can be honest about your thoughts and feelings.
7. Talk positively to yourself. We talk to ourselves all day long. If we are saying negative and fearful things then that is the way we feel.
8. Remove yourself from hurtful or damaging situations. Temporarily walk away from a situation that is getting out of control. Give yourself some space and problem solve a positive approach to dealing with it.
9. Accept that life is about choices and is always bringing change to you which requires adjustment.
10. Have a plan for the future. Develop long range goals for yourself, but work on them one day at a time.
Today I smoked myself into a coma and when I felt reality baring down on me again I did something typical for myself when my mind is troubled: I cleaned. I started simply. I picked up clothes off the floor, made my bed. But it was more than that. Every shirt I put on a hanger was carefully placed in the closet. Every crease was folded purposefully and every wrinkle smoothed from my bed before I was satisfied. And then it wasn't enough. I took it down, all of it and ended up with my mattress and boxspring in the hallway. After a few hours of pushing and pulling at my furniture I was satisfied that my room would never be as I wish it could be- because it will only be what it has always been and that has never been good enough. It'll do, though. It'll do for now. I went though the motions a second time on making my bed once more, placing the pillows just so and moved on to my bookshelf which had a new place in my room. I took them one by one and put them back on the shelves in alphabetical order by the author's last name. I separated fiction from non. My favorite part of my new room is my new secret hiding place that's a cozy little corner of pillows where I can lounge and not be bothered and unless you were looking, you probably wouldn't notice I was there. I have yet to take full advantage of that space but when I do, with the summer wind blowing in through my windows and my books above my head, it will be lovely.
There were no surprises for me today despite the changes. No. I was not surprised. And here it is already tomorrow, and in a few hours I will rise with the sun and the rest of the human race and go through the motions of another day. But suddenly, I feel like crying. Could it be because I know in my heart that another chapter has suddenly ended? Or is it because another is about to begin and the path isn't clear to me? Maybe it's because of you. Maybe it's everything. Maybe it's nothing.
1 Comments:
I'm pretty sure I could detect you in your hiding place... I have a sardonidar.
Your thera-flu-rapist has some good advice! Maybe I should go see her.
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