I wrote this in on the train today.

words of anger are swelling up inside me to a man who is making my face burn with the root of all anger. It's not really a big deal. But at the same time... I could have lied but it was obvious and he would have taken it from me. Everything about the train makes me angry right now. Everything about commuting makes me angry. Soon I will be home. Soon I will loaf in my room and play video games and I will see the train man's face in the zombies and the monsters and the darkness that I am destined to kill and I will smile through the gore and slashing and the oozing blood. I will smile until they are all dead and then I will wake up tomorrow morning and go to work and wan to kill more zombies.
He acted like he was doing me a favor, not "confiscating" my ticket. Damn right it's my ticket. It was given to me. I am in possession of said ticket. What the fuck does it matter that the little star stamp was covering the M as opposed to the F. Fuck you train man. You don't do me any favors. I hope calling me out made your day that much better. You and your false power. Train Man. Big stupid bearded trainman who thinks acting on a power trip is doing me a favor. GO TO HELL, SCUM FUCKER! Die like the rest of the sanity sucking zombies and leave me and my M stamped ticket alone.

that is all for today.

so this kid, i know i love him, needs to move to chicago. he needs to be closer to margot and me so we can hang out cause we misses him lots.

GRADUATE ALREADY SO THE FUN CAN START!

this is the way life should be, drunk on wine, playing monopoly with Margot. good times. chicago, you just wait.

i loves me the wine. 2 bottles in one night. i love life. SANTA!!!!

exactly.

if you're curious...

grief has always been a hard thing for me to deal with. dealing with anyting has always been hard for me to deal with. basically i don't deal. loosing my grandfather to cancer was just not cool to me. the sadness comes and goes and ranges from devestation to confused numbness. today was his memorial service. i was there. i felt as though i wasn't. i felt ignored by most of my family members who haven't noticed me much in the last few years. sometime i wonder if they even recognize me or if they really care. so it's hard to feel compassionate and stuff when you're sitting in a room full of people who you are constantly wondering if they would notice if you weren't there or not. i don't think anyone would notice if i wasn't there. i don't even think they would have thought to ask. i am an expendable person in my family. that is why i isolate myself. that is why i hide from everyone. i am an expendable person in society. with no friends. with no life. with nothing that would keep people from even realizing that i'm not really here. no one would notice if i disappeared. no one would really care. even now, right this second as i am writing this i know that there is no one to read these words. no one to hear this rant. no one to care if it even exists, if i even exist. so i go now, thinking about death and loss and wondering how long it will be until it's my turn to be burt down to a pile of ash and stuffed into the ground to be forgotten by no one. not even the worms will touch me then. not even the worms.

so Buster died...









so far i'm still in the denial phase.

so i got this email in my "bulk" mailbox today that said it could tell me what would happen to my family if i were to die. being the sick fuck that i am, hopelessly prone to thoughts of my own demise, i said "SHOW ME THE NUMBERS!" the sad thing- granted i don't have the right numbers to put into their little game- is that my family wouldn't get much of a kickback if i were to bite it. good to know i'm worth at least twice what i have in the bank right now though. oh god. that is sad.

where is the love?

i got it ripped out of my chest and stomped on it with my own bare foot. it's oozing and dead on the floor and in the pool of blood that is spilling over i can see my face, twisted and mean. although there is no expression on the outside, the face in the blood is grinning at me and i can feel the hole in my chest grow cold. the cold is spreading throughout every cell on my body and i just stand there staring at the bloody heart smashed all over the floor. that is where the love is. smashed and bloody on the floor with a twisted reflection looking up at me grinning and i am cold.

it's a sad thing...

i'm sitting here, as i have for the past few hours, listening to cds with the history channel on mute with sub titles, and watching the level of wine in the bottle i'm drinking (by myself) slump lower and lower. i was just pondering why it shouldn't really be a problem to smoke a cigarette in my house but my ego squashed that idea like a stupid pathetic bug. ah rational brain. how...more wine. i'm happy being sad.

oh and i just remembered... i saw this guy on tv today. my heart went all a'flutter.