I was just wondering if threatening to kill people you live with, with knives, is a normal thing at any other house. because it is in mine and has been a "normal" thing to want to kill your family and mean it since I can remember. Do you live in a family where your parents are afraid to go on vacation because they might get a call that one of their children has been badly hurt or killed by another one of their children? I do.

I love losing stuff.  The fun thing about losing stuff is spending the hours trying to find everything you lost.  The shitty part about losing stuff is not finding the stuff after hours of trying.

I lost my cell phone.  Yeah I tried calling it you assholes.  The last time I used it was to call Margot when I was at work.  I didn't go anywhere last night except around the block on my longboard.  But through my searching today the plot has thickened...  my keys are also missing.  So there is no way I could have left them anywhere because I obviously used my phone and my keys as I was leaving work to come home.  I walked the path of my longboard travels and found nothing.  I have turned my room upside down and then right side up again looking and have found nothing.  It makes no sense.

So now I'm sitting here wondering what there is left to do, where I could look, and realizing that it's a lost cause and that I'm an idiot.  Today (pre-realizing that I'm the idiot that I am) started off nicely too.  I should have known.

Fuck it.

I'm not sure if it is a feeling as though I have so much that I would like to say or that I wish there was so much that I could say.  I've been having a lot of that lately.  It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I'm not really writing much at all these days and what I do write isn't good or serious- meaning things I'm not really excited about.
 
Margot and I rented a movie tonight, Anniversary Party (recommended by this awesome girl I know named Meghan) and I guess I liked it because somehow I feel determined to start something new.  It's a welcomed change.  I had so many intentions this summer that have gone unfulfilled that it's sad that I feel almost like I've wasted another time span where I could have utilized my free time better.  The fact that I have officially turned nocturnal is proof positive that things are messed up in my head right now.  I've been hiding and I know this.  Well, it's time to pay up.  Now I just need an idea.  In the car I was thinking of so many detached thoughts that if I wrote any of them it would probably be more the makings of poetry than short fiction, which isn't bad but more out of character for me. 
 
It would be interesting to me to see what I could if every sentence or word choice I deleted was pasted onto a separate document for later consideration.  That may be my next collection.  Yeah, probably.  I am, after all, a giant nerd. 
 
I've been thinking a lot about my grandpa lately and it's bothering me.  Tonight I realized that the last 4 times I went to visit family it was "grandpa" related before and after he died.  And I get this pit in my stomach every time.  I discovered, also on the drive home, that when I get really upset my chin sort of wrinkles.  I wonder how long it will be before I can visit my family and not think and get sad over the loss of both my grandparents now.  I do miss them...  It's weird thinking about people you love dying and you dying yourself.  I don't see them in the same way.  I'm not saying that I think that my grandparents both dying of cancer is some tragic affair but it somehow stays unsettled in me whereas when I think about my own death- whenever that will be- I am much more calm about it.  I don't feel loss when I think of losing my own life.  Does that make sense?  So, I have to go burry my grandpa, finally, on Saturday and I'm really not looking forward to it.  It will be another day clouded by grief where I will feel ignorned and unnecessary by every one who is supposed to love me.  For some reason though I'm looking forward to the cemetary.  I always do.  I just wish that the invitation/write up for it wasn't still hanging on the kitchen counter.  I'm not down with the daily reminder that I'm off to a (I guess I could say another) funeral this weekend.  I think about shit like this enough, I don't need a fucking poster to see everyday.  Damn you mom.  I hate living at home.
 
So now that I've managed to depress myself again...
 
Here is a wish list for tomorrow.
 
I wish for a phone call.
I wish for a kind word.
I wish for a fresh feeling, a sense of accomplishment that doesn't involve working in a bookstore.
I wish for an email.
I wish to laugh.
 
I'll settle for one of those.  I guess now all I can do is wait and see what the day will truly bring. 
 
(on a side note.  before I was going to publish this post I wanted to actually look and read my grandpa's obiturary because I realized that I never had.  Who would have thought you'd have to pay $3.50 to read your grandfathers life summed up in about 50 words.  I love this world we live in.)

Some days are better than others, but then some days are also worse. Today has put me all over the map. I started out up and got brought down and now I feel hollow. Some days it hurts so much and others there is just this dull ache that leaves me wanting to transport myself mentally anywhere that isn't based on reality. I keep having moments and days that remind me that I really don't feel like I belong on this plane in the universe and knowing that what I really wish for can never be I feel defeated and empty and very much a pessimist. So excuse me for being negative but this world, frankly, sucks ass.

I watched the Wizard of Oz (my desert island favorite movie) today for the first time in about a year and for the first time in a long time I cried at the end of it. I never really did understand why Dorothy wanted to go back to horrible drab, black and white Kansas. I guess that's because I grew up in the home that I did with the family that I have.

and then I watched Edward Scissorhands. I cried again. (note that again I didn't understand why she didn't ever go back to him- not even once)

I need to distort my mind more now. I'm off to kill more useless brain cells and drink away more of my pain, the pain of everyday living but first I have to call work to find out if my schedule is fucked because my managers are assholes and like to change my hours without telling me or letting me have any say in the matter even though they posted it once... Long story... I'm sick of being angry.

Today I bought new shoes. It was good. I'm happy with them. Simple yet new and slightly different. The shoe laces make it though, they're green to match with Nintendo symbols on them. Seriously. I'm either the biggest nerd in the world, or just a damn fine lady with awesome taste in shoes.

I rule.