Some days are better than others, but then some days are also worse. Today has put me all over the map. I started out up and got brought down and now I feel hollow. Some days it hurts so much and others there is just this dull ache that leaves me wanting to transport myself mentally anywhere that isn't based on reality. I keep having moments and days that remind me that I really don't feel like I belong on this plane in the universe and knowing that what I really wish for can never be I feel defeated and empty and very much a pessimist. So excuse me for being negative but this world, frankly, sucks ass.

I watched the Wizard of Oz (my desert island favorite movie) today for the first time in about a year and for the first time in a long time I cried at the end of it. I never really did understand why Dorothy wanted to go back to horrible drab, black and white Kansas. I guess that's because I grew up in the home that I did with the family that I have.

and then I watched Edward Scissorhands. I cried again. (note that again I didn't understand why she didn't ever go back to him- not even once)

I need to distort my mind more now. I'm off to kill more useless brain cells and drink away more of my pain, the pain of everyday living but first I have to call work to find out if my schedule is fucked because my managers are assholes and like to change my hours without telling me or letting me have any say in the matter even though they posted it once... Long story... I'm sick of being angry.