I don't really mean to complain...

I just find it funny that old friends show up at the worst times in my life, always. It's so convenient that I cringe on cue every time the "so, how are you?" question gets thrown my way. Bitter sweet. I don't want to lie, but I probably should. I have found myself feeling the awkwardness of being too honest with people lately.

On the off chance that any of the people I might be talking about have been reading this (though I highly doubt that...) I may have said the worst time but because of you, it might just be getting better. I do love surprises, such a rarity these days.

OH MY GOD! I'M SO FREAKIN' LATE!
(so late, in fact, that I used the word "freakin'" in a sentence...)

I never wrote much poetry, but I did take a class last semester... This was one of them.

Sometimes the water turning cold is the only thing that reminds me to get out.

Sometimes I sit in the shower.
It feels like rain but warmer
than any summer storm.

I turn the water on
as hot as I can stand and
though it almost burns,
I love the way it feels as my skin
pinks and puckers.

Sometimes I plug the drain and
lay in the tub. I let the water
rise around my ankles, over my legs,
until it covers my stomach.
When it gets to my cheeks,
I rest my head back and listen.
While all other sounds disappear,
I can hear the clouded nothingness of
underwater and the rhythmic sound
of my heart beating, reminding me of time.

The tub fills and I close
my eyes and pull my face under the water.
It cradles me and
sometimes it makes me feel so secure
that I never want to leave.

Sometimes I hold my breath just
to see how long I can stand it and
I find myself gasping for air
in the end.

Today would have been my six year anniversary. On this Saturday I would have woken up next to my love and smiled, leaned over and kissed him.

There is a hole in my heart today that will never be filled. He'll probably be spending this day, this night, with another woman.

Cheers darling. Here's to you and your lover. On Monday I will meet with my therapist once more. This time I may ask for the drugs.

Today I went to a bookstore. It was the first time in a bookstore in many months and for once I decided to buy lots of things.

First and most important (my real reason for the trip) was this. And then I also bought this and this and this and this. I was going to buy this but I thought to myself...

next time.

I love thinking about the millions of books that I want to read- so many that I'm almost sure that I'll die before I read all of them. There are so many things in life that I so easily take for granted. Sometimes thinking about something like that comforts me- that there is so much to read, and learn, and so many beautiful books out there. I have so many worlds and lives to look forward to my heart could explode.

My bestest buddy gave me this today. She's the coolest!

I sold my soul for Radiohead (with the Black Keys as opener!) and I have to say... It was worth it. The sound. The lights. Thom Yorke's squiggly dance moves...

I guess it will have to do. My consolation prize. Loose a boyfriend, gain a rock concert. Cheers!

I think that I actually died yesterday. I remember letting the bathtub fill past my ears and then everything past that is a bit fuzzy.

I fell asleep last night knowing something was missing and I woke up today completely afraid to roll over and open my eyes.

I've decided to give up on life. I choose drugs. Aren't you proud of me? Are you happy now?

Flip. He loves me.
Flip. He loves her.
Flip. He doesn't know who he loves.
Flip. I'm cut off. Shut out. Left to drown myself.

Cheers. The son of a bitch gave me "permission" to "do what I want" for a month. A whole lovely month, and then MAYBE things will change. MAYBE he'll decide to love me again. MAYBE he'll fuck some boyfriend stealing bitch that he works with. MAYBE I should just slit my wrists now.

I know it sounds pathetic. I'm joking (or am I) about suicide over a boy. How Romeo and Juliet of me, only Romeo never broke Juliet's heart twice in one week and then told her she could go skank it up for a month while he got the nerve to think for himself because lovely Rosaline weepy office wear was too much for him.

Oh wait. I'm sorry. He told me she was "a nice girl."

He hates when I do this, this writing about relationship problems shit. Oh well. Too bad. I hope you get your dick stuck in your zipper. I hope she scrapes her teeth on your dick when she's trying to suck it. I hope someone pisses in your gas tank.

You'll never know what you really did to me. You'll never know because I don't plan on talking to you anymore. Have fun at Radiohead, BY YOURSELF. I'm not falling for you anymore.

So, I got dumped again today. Twice in one week? Sad and true. To be honest I'm not really sure how I'm feeling about all this yet. There's probably a lot that I could say, but I am choosing not to at this time. Those who know and love me can email me and I'll probably have more words.

My life is a train wreck.

I'm pathetic. I knew when I was smoking my last cigarette hours ago that this moment would probably happen. I would be sitting awake at 3am and it would consume me to the point where I would have to go drive around looking for an open gas station for one last fix of nicotine. So I did. I drove around and bought 2 packs and thought it might be nice to just drive around for a little while, while the roads were deserted. That plan was halted by me freaking out about a cop car following me as soon as I left the gas station parking lot. I hate cop cars! They always freak me out and make me extremely paranoid, despite my rather safe driving habits. Grr. At least the main concept of my late night trip was accomplished. I guess I'm satisfied.

Really though, I feel like a failure. I'm failing at life, at friendship, my love life, and in general as a human being. Every day is worse than the day before. All optimism that I have in me is draining. All faith in myself is being realized as a diluted hallucination and really I just want to sleep and not wake up- which is torture considering I have to force myself to shut my eyes every night at around 4am. I wake up in the afternoon feeling like crap, knowing that "today is going to be not good" and finding it to be true all too often.

Today was not good. I can't decide what's more pathetic: actually thinking that I can relate to a character in tonight's episode of Sex in the City (the re-runs on TBS) or having a boyfriend who doesn't want to kiss me. Considering the past few days, I wonder why we got back together. I'm not sure what it is that he wants, he won't tell me, but I'm really starting to believe that it's not me. How can someone be so cruel? Stupid me, I thought things were actually going to improve, that the emotional roller coaster was going to stop. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.

I forgot to mention...

Crisis averted. Heart no longer broken, just a little scared. I'll heal. It really is amazing how much can happen in a day.

My heart is broken. Two weeks before the six year anniversary, it's done.

I hope you're happy. I can't feel my fingers.

My heart is breaking tonight. I won't ever let anyone see it, though. I won't smile but I won't let them see me cry either. You can't make me. It's all I can do.

I've never been able to imagine my future without a certain element but right now I'm faced with the possibility of losing it, and with it- it feels like everything. I wish I had the nerve to not be cryptic... It's not my decision anymore.

I have no real regrets left in my life and I would never wish for anyone else to have any of their own. I would sacrifice everything I had for the one that I loved, even my own happiness. So be it.

Don't ever leave with regret.

I don't wake up well these days. Half dead, I can barely find the will to speak and most of the time the real and alive think I'm sick. My dreams are poisoning me. Sleep is finding me later and later again. I'm now falling asleep to the sounds of birds chirping near my window. The sun also rises... And when I fall, I crash and I'm out for the count and my mind does horrible things to me. I can't even tell you, but I take it every time. In fact, I almost beg for it because I find myself having moments of semi-consciousness that could end all of it in the blink of an eye but I clench my eyes closed and roll over back into the darkness.

That world feels more real to me sometimes. When I retrace time I have to rework what was in my head from what I've actually done. I keep waiting for a monster to find me in my sleep and end me- a real Nightmare come alive.

Do nuns masturbate?

That was the "outstanding" question that I had today. I was stuck at a stop light next a car full of nuns and I wish I would have had the balls to roll my window down and ask. But seriously, do they?

I beat the last castle in world 8 of The New Super Mario Bros. on my DS last night- well actually it was 4:35am. It was a beautiful moment. Now, of course, I have to go back and unlock all the stuff I passed by earlier in the game but now that I can save at will it should be a lot more relaxed. I'm also really proud to be able to say that no cheating has occurred yet in this game play. All was accomplished by my own skill and knowledge. So yay me! I give myself a few weeks more before I'm faq-ing it up.

My dad offered to give me a nice chunk of change (the actual amount is not known at this time) toward paying off my student loans if I quit smoking.