I'm pathetic. I knew when I was smoking my last cigarette hours ago that this moment would probably happen. I would be sitting awake at 3am and it would consume me to the point where I would have to go drive around looking for an open gas station for one last fix of nicotine. So I did. I drove around and bought 2 packs and thought it might be nice to just drive around for a little while, while the roads were deserted. That plan was halted by me freaking out about a cop car following me as soon as I left the gas station parking lot. I hate cop cars! They always freak me out and make me extremely paranoid, despite my rather safe driving habits. Grr. At least the main concept of my late night trip was accomplished. I guess I'm satisfied.

Really though, I feel like a failure. I'm failing at life, at friendship, my love life, and in general as a human being. Every day is worse than the day before. All optimism that I have in me is draining. All faith in myself is being realized as a diluted hallucination and really I just want to sleep and not wake up- which is torture considering I have to force myself to shut my eyes every night at around 4am. I wake up in the afternoon feeling like crap, knowing that "today is going to be not good" and finding it to be true all too often.

Today was not good. I can't decide what's more pathetic: actually thinking that I can relate to a character in tonight's episode of Sex in the City (the re-runs on TBS) or having a boyfriend who doesn't want to kiss me. Considering the past few days, I wonder why we got back together. I'm not sure what it is that he wants, he won't tell me, but I'm really starting to believe that it's not me. How can someone be so cruel? Stupid me, I thought things were actually going to improve, that the emotional roller coaster was going to stop. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.