exactly.

if you're curious...

grief has always been a hard thing for me to deal with. dealing with anyting has always been hard for me to deal with. basically i don't deal. loosing my grandfather to cancer was just not cool to me. the sadness comes and goes and ranges from devestation to confused numbness. today was his memorial service. i was there. i felt as though i wasn't. i felt ignored by most of my family members who haven't noticed me much in the last few years. sometime i wonder if they even recognize me or if they really care. so it's hard to feel compassionate and stuff when you're sitting in a room full of people who you are constantly wondering if they would notice if you weren't there or not. i don't think anyone would notice if i wasn't there. i don't even think they would have thought to ask. i am an expendable person in my family. that is why i isolate myself. that is why i hide from everyone. i am an expendable person in society. with no friends. with no life. with nothing that would keep people from even realizing that i'm not really here. no one would notice if i disappeared. no one would really care. even now, right this second as i am writing this i know that there is no one to read these words. no one to hear this rant. no one to care if it even exists, if i even exist. so i go now, thinking about death and loss and wondering how long it will be until it's my turn to be burt down to a pile of ash and stuffed into the ground to be forgotten by no one. not even the worms will touch me then. not even the worms.