It really doesn't make any sense to sleep on one side of the bed when there is no one to share the other side. I don't know that I'm ready to share my bed with anyone right now. Lately I've grown accustomed to rearranging my pillows at night, right in the middle. Some mornings I wake up and realize that I slept like a corpse, hands folded across my chest and the blankets completely undisturbed. Other nights are chaos and come morning I'm tangled and laying diagonal.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm capable of the concept of intimacy without intimacy (if that makes sense). I tell myself that I can... There is an always present panic alarm going off in my head the second I can see anyone try to get closer to me. I have to wonder when that started. Was I always this nervous and awkward?

I feel like bashing my head into another brick wall, this time going past the concussion and straight to dead.

Happy Birthday.