I remember telling someone not that long ago that I know that things aren't ok, when I'm sleeping all the time. And I've been sleeping all the time... Actually, it's all that I want to do lately (since this week/end mostly).
It all came up on me so fast this time. And all of a sudden there I was, sitting in a car and feeling nothing. It's very hard to explain what I feel when I'm in that mind frame because there's no one word to use to describe it. It's definitely nothing but a nothing that you can feel. A severe numbness that sends me into strange giggle fits. It's the absence of fear.
The fear part of it is, what I believe, to be the worst part of it. It feels good, almost, in an odd sort of way. I mean think about it. Wouldn't it typically be considered a good thing to not feel afraid? I would think so. But this isn't good, and even though a tiny part of my brain is screaming at me, rational thoughts and advice to attempt to keep me grounded, the bigger part of me embraces that feeling and nothing is scary anymore. I fear nothing, even death, which in turn makes me think it might be a good time to go. It's like being really really high to the point where your brain shuts down in every way except on a very basic level. Everything is dulled, every sense, every sound.
So cheers to my sleeping all the time. Cheers to my wanting to do nothing else lately but sleep. I think it may have saved my life, many times over. I will not be attending class tomorrow (Tuesday morning) but I will the rest of the week, for those of you who pretend to be my parents more than my parents do. And for future reference, when you notice- if you notice- my sleeping becoming more frequent like it has lately... You've been warned. Just leave me alone for a while.
Most frequent thing I've said to my mom in the past month: "If I wanted to talk about it I would. You can't get mad at me for not wanting to talk about something that is none of your business. Please shut my door."
It all came up on me so fast this time. And all of a sudden there I was, sitting in a car and feeling nothing. It's very hard to explain what I feel when I'm in that mind frame because there's no one word to use to describe it. It's definitely nothing but a nothing that you can feel. A severe numbness that sends me into strange giggle fits. It's the absence of fear.
The fear part of it is, what I believe, to be the worst part of it. It feels good, almost, in an odd sort of way. I mean think about it. Wouldn't it typically be considered a good thing to not feel afraid? I would think so. But this isn't good, and even though a tiny part of my brain is screaming at me, rational thoughts and advice to attempt to keep me grounded, the bigger part of me embraces that feeling and nothing is scary anymore. I fear nothing, even death, which in turn makes me think it might be a good time to go. It's like being really really high to the point where your brain shuts down in every way except on a very basic level. Everything is dulled, every sense, every sound.
So cheers to my sleeping all the time. Cheers to my wanting to do nothing else lately but sleep. I think it may have saved my life, many times over. I will not be attending class tomorrow (Tuesday morning) but I will the rest of the week, for those of you who pretend to be my parents more than my parents do. And for future reference, when you notice- if you notice- my sleeping becoming more frequent like it has lately... You've been warned. Just leave me alone for a while.
Most frequent thing I've said to my mom in the past month: "If I wanted to talk about it I would. You can't get mad at me for not wanting to talk about something that is none of your business. Please shut my door."
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