It makes me nervous (what doesn't these days) to have people question my emotional well being. What's worse is that it always makes whatever negative aura that may have been around me swell and suffocate me in the long run. It is a slow death.
So let's just get this out. I'm not happy by any means these past few days. The holidays are the worst for a lot of people and I can't ever put my finger on why but I hate them all and usually around this time of year, when the air shifts to cold (I can never seem to get warm) and colors fade, the sun disappears, I find myself sitting in an apartment full of cats watching stupid movies and crying for no reason. Why is it, that when you want time alone you can never find it- but when you're stuck alone it's like the coldest hell on earth.
I miss Ben.
This is also, I should mention, an in between time of semesters which really makes me nervous about graduation in the spring. If I am this unmotivated to write now, will I ever see through anything when not forced to work on it? I hate myself when I'm not being creative, yet finding the motivation beneath all this is really hard sometimes. That last story that I posted was the first and only thing that I've actually written since the end of the semester and I didn't even like it that much.
So right now I'm stuck in a rut, starved for attention and bored out of my mind. Will no one help me? I could go out. I could, but I'm such an idiot. First: with who? I'd rather drink here alone than pay Chicago bar prices to drink alone in public. Second: Where? There ain't much out here. It'd be a hike to get anywhere and the walking alone outside at night isn't really high on my list. Maybe if I get really punchy I'll give it a whirl.
I'm about ready to start going though my phone book and just call people but talking to people when you have nothing to say is almost as painful as not talking to anyone. This is another reason why I'm going insane! I'm losing whatever small talk social skills that I had.
Screw this. I'm drinking away the pain tonight. I'm tired of thinking. If I had drugs I'd already be gone. Cheers fuckfaces!
So let's just get this out. I'm not happy by any means these past few days. The holidays are the worst for a lot of people and I can't ever put my finger on why but I hate them all and usually around this time of year, when the air shifts to cold (I can never seem to get warm) and colors fade, the sun disappears, I find myself sitting in an apartment full of cats watching stupid movies and crying for no reason. Why is it, that when you want time alone you can never find it- but when you're stuck alone it's like the coldest hell on earth.
I miss Ben.
This is also, I should mention, an in between time of semesters which really makes me nervous about graduation in the spring. If I am this unmotivated to write now, will I ever see through anything when not forced to work on it? I hate myself when I'm not being creative, yet finding the motivation beneath all this is really hard sometimes. That last story that I posted was the first and only thing that I've actually written since the end of the semester and I didn't even like it that much.
So right now I'm stuck in a rut, starved for attention and bored out of my mind. Will no one help me? I could go out. I could, but I'm such an idiot. First: with who? I'd rather drink here alone than pay Chicago bar prices to drink alone in public. Second: Where? There ain't much out here. It'd be a hike to get anywhere and the walking alone outside at night isn't really high on my list. Maybe if I get really punchy I'll give it a whirl.
I'm about ready to start going though my phone book and just call people but talking to people when you have nothing to say is almost as painful as not talking to anyone. This is another reason why I'm going insane! I'm losing whatever small talk social skills that I had.
Screw this. I'm drinking away the pain tonight. I'm tired of thinking. If I had drugs I'd already be gone. Cheers fuckfaces!
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