I've had my moments, typing my bullshit to this page about how bad my day was or what was wrong with my life, and though I don't discount those emotions, they were never the worst of it. In truth, when things are really bad for me I scream silently. I'm screaming now.
My heart hurts. I drove home struggling to breathe and the tears on my cheeks have dried. I don't know what to do anymore. What can I do? I feel like my whole world is slipping away and even though I'm trying my hardest to fight for it- because I will always fight for the one that I love- I feel like I'm losing this battle, this war. Why does it have to be this way?
So I'll scream silently, using the words of '97 at the top of my lungs. I'll take a deep breath and wait. I shouldn't have to tell someone to love me. I shouldn't need to try so hard to make someone who loves me understand. Why can't he see I'm hurting? I ask you. Why doesn't he get it?
I don't have words anymore for how much it hurts. I don't have words to describe how ugly and forgettable and worthless I feel right now. I don't have words, and in my business that means death. For the first time in my life I saw my future. I saw myself with the man I love and the two of us stuck and sleeping in separate bedrooms, barely speaking.
It's been days since he's kissed me. It's been too long since I've been loved. What am I waiting for? How much more direct do I have to be? Tonight I sit in anguish wondering when he's going to come clean with me, when he's going to tell me once and for all that it doesn't matter how much I love him- he doesn't love me, not anymore.
...five minutes or so later...
I'll tell you what. One of these days I'll be gone and I won't even remember. I'll push it out of my mind, like I have already done with so many other things because I can. I can. I'll go off on my own because I can. I don't need anyone- and you know that's true. I can take care of myself. I can be ok by myself. I've done it before and I can do it again. I won't keep killing myself to get kind words out of anyone. I don't need to, not anymore. In a few months I'll be done with school and the job search will begin, thus my life will begin and I'm not dropping anchor here. I've never wanted to stay here. Never. And all this- can just fade.
But I will say that I did always want you to come with me, even though I knew that you wouldn't and I would stay because I wanted to- because I wanted you. Now I'm not so sure. I refuse to let my life slip into something of a nightmare. I can do better. I deserve better.
My heart hurts. I drove home struggling to breathe and the tears on my cheeks have dried. I don't know what to do anymore. What can I do? I feel like my whole world is slipping away and even though I'm trying my hardest to fight for it- because I will always fight for the one that I love- I feel like I'm losing this battle, this war. Why does it have to be this way?
So I'll scream silently, using the words of '97 at the top of my lungs. I'll take a deep breath and wait. I shouldn't have to tell someone to love me. I shouldn't need to try so hard to make someone who loves me understand. Why can't he see I'm hurting? I ask you. Why doesn't he get it?
I don't have words anymore for how much it hurts. I don't have words to describe how ugly and forgettable and worthless I feel right now. I don't have words, and in my business that means death. For the first time in my life I saw my future. I saw myself with the man I love and the two of us stuck and sleeping in separate bedrooms, barely speaking.
It's been days since he's kissed me. It's been too long since I've been loved. What am I waiting for? How much more direct do I have to be? Tonight I sit in anguish wondering when he's going to come clean with me, when he's going to tell me once and for all that it doesn't matter how much I love him- he doesn't love me, not anymore.
...five minutes or so later...
I'll tell you what. One of these days I'll be gone and I won't even remember. I'll push it out of my mind, like I have already done with so many other things because I can. I can. I'll go off on my own because I can. I don't need anyone- and you know that's true. I can take care of myself. I can be ok by myself. I've done it before and I can do it again. I won't keep killing myself to get kind words out of anyone. I don't need to, not anymore. In a few months I'll be done with school and the job search will begin, thus my life will begin and I'm not dropping anchor here. I've never wanted to stay here. Never. And all this- can just fade.
But I will say that I did always want you to come with me, even though I knew that you wouldn't and I would stay because I wanted to- because I wanted you. Now I'm not so sure. I refuse to let my life slip into something of a nightmare. I can do better. I deserve better.
1 Comments:
wow my dear, is one of the deepest things i've ever read. I love so much the intensity of the female feelings. I'd like to tell you not to feel sad, but i can't. sometimes we need to feel so. It's such a shame that we men sometimes make women feel so horrible. but, sure you'll realize that you're much more worthy than any men. ANIMO!
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