the best days are the ones when you don't have a clue what day it really is and it feels as though a week has gone by as if it were just one big stupid day. i hate my life today.

crying into my keyboard has never been a good solution. so it's time to really say goodbye. writing used to be something i could use to feel better but i guess i've exhausted the outlet.

So this is really really cool. my student loans are all fucked up and now my parents are refusing to help me. i may or may not have to drop out of school. i can't deal with this. i fucking hate my family. i'm stuck here forever. i know it. FUCK!

another day, another dollar. the sun continues to rise and set and life goes on despite me. I'm sorry to admit, mainly because it's all I ever really say, that I'm extremely unhappy right now in just about every aspect of my life. it's funny how nothing really seems to ever work out the way you hope it will.

stupid hope.

someone told me today that hope is all you really have. if that's true I don't know what to think because I'm running low on the whole hope thing. tomorrow will be better, right? that's what I'm supposed to think. and if tomorrow isn't better, than maybe the next day- or the next or the one after but eventually I'm supposed to find that things are better than they are right now.

I've been saying that for about 3 years. probably longer where some things are concerned. everything in my life is like I'm just scraping by. pay check to pay check, lunch to lunch, every second between sleep. for those few of you who may or may not read this, just so you know, scraping by sucks ass. those few and far between moments of pure ease and light feeling that I experience are nothing more to me than distractions from the truth. stupid crap that wants me to keep believing in the theory of hope. I hate those moments. I would rather die in pure misery than skip merrily down the twisted winding road of hopefulness.

fuck you hope. fuck everything that you ever made me believe. you lie. you lie. it's all just a lie. nothing really ever gets better. even when you think things are going to get better it is all just a farce and will eventually turn back to crap in the end, just like Cinderella. the carriage turns back into the pumpkin. the horses back into mice and Cinderella is left with her rags. I'd rather have the pumpkin.

When i think about life on a day to day basis, in a realistic sense, i feel so defeated. i think i make my life out to be more complicated in my head than it really is. i guess it's the laziness in me that doesn't want to do anything ever- that having things that need to be done make me feel overwhelmed and stupid all the time. oh and if you haven't been clued in yet i work at a chain bookstore.... the "stupid customer" stories aren't even fun to tell anymore because there are too many of them. it sickens me how many of them there are and every day i walk through those stupid doors and gain more. more knowledge of why i hate 99% of humanity and why i would rather just sit in my room and do nothing and not talk to anyone ever again. it's people that abuse intelligence that make me want to slam my face into a brick wall. those people are everywhere and their breeding.

i'm not dead. and i think that that is the problem right now.