So tomorrow is the first day of registration for school for next semester. Granted I am not allowed to register, actually, until the 10th, but the fact that I still don't know if I will be registering makes this big lump appear in my throat and I know I smoke too much but... So I tell myself that it's fine. It's fine right. If I don't go back to school it will be fine. I'll work. I'll make money or something. Live in my parent's house and rot away uneducated.
I'm supposed to go to Carbondale this coming weekend but part of me really doesn't want to. It sucks ass seeing all these people graduate. Everyone I know is going to graduate college before me- if they haven't already. I feel like I've been hiding in the corner somewhere not paying attention and picking my nose for too long and now I'm miles behind everyone I know. When did shit get like this? And now with all this bullshit... I'm never going to finish school. I'm never going to earn my own life.
what the fuck am I supposed to do? Even if I graduate? Ever? I don't want to work for Barnes and Noble for the rest of my life. I don't want to live in the suburbs under my parents roof for 10 more years. I feel like every thing is hopeless. It's like I wonder everyday, why do I even get out of bed. There is nothing in this world left for me. I have nothing to contribute. Nothing to create. Nothing new. Nothing. I have run out of things to say to everyone I know. I have run out of answers. I have run out of energy. The only thing that I can't seem to run out of is this hole that I've dug around myself.
tonight my mom told me that my aunts brother-in-law Mike (who is a really cool guy) got in a serious motorcycle accident today and is now in a comma. I feel guilty thinking about what I thought of when she first told me, like I wasn't having respect for the seriousness of the situation, as if I didn't really care about the fact that he could have died and who knows how he will end up. But the truth is, the moment she told me the first thing that came to mind was, god I wish it were me. I wish I could just shut down. It would make everything go away. Give me nightmares but let me sleep. Nothing my mind would create would be as bad as I feel right now.
after my last post I got an email from this kid who told me that I should keep posting on this blog. Well I hope you're satisfied. I've bared my torn soul yet again to people who never call or never knew I existed and I'm about 3 seconds away from deleting this post completely but being that this could be my last semester in school and I'm studying self censorship- in respect for what I've learned and my class I'll post this garbage and know that no one will really get it. People call me dramatic and overly emotional but that is only because they're not listening. They don't grasp what I'm really trying to say. No one ever has. No one. And so I sit in my hole, unheard, misunderstood and without hope.
after years of feeling so defeated I have to stop and wonder if this could really be normal? Is this type of feeling normal, common? Or is this some kind of torturous thing that has only been plaguing me for the majority of my life. (at this point in writing I decided to stop and sincerely contemplate whether or not I should be considered legally insane and or a danger to myself.) but the thing is, besides confidence and self esteem the only other thing that I lack is courage. So there's no sense in even really thinking about offing myself because I know I'll never do it. I won't say that I haven't come close to trying but my telekinesis hasn't really worked out the way I would like. Lately I feel like I'm too depressed to even really think about killing myself. It takes too much effort for something I know is worthless. Like everything else.
so I keep writing because I feel like I'm not done yet but I don't know what else to say. It all boils down to what I said earlier about how no one gets it. There is and always has been a part of me that has this hunger- this desire- this need to have people get me, though I have no idea why. That part of me battles with the other part of me that doesn't care if people get me and I'm not saying that I hear voices... Yet... But it leaves me feeling horribly torn between wanting to live and wanting to close myself off. Maybe I'm bipolar, but I would think that bipolar would be a more distinct half and half life thing. Like happy one day on the verge of suicide the next but with me it's not exactly that clean cut. My moods run together like watercolor paints throughout every day, every hour. It just doesn't seem to end. I wish it would.
screw it. If you haven't gotten it by now, I'm tired of trying to explain it to you. I've been listening to wilco's how to fight loneliness on repeat throughout this entire blog posting and I need to go outside and smoke another cigarette, killing myself in the only way I can, very very slowly. This is the end. I'm a firm believer in never saying never so I'll won't say that I'll never post again because I probably will but don't hold your breath kids. I'm out.
I'm supposed to go to Carbondale this coming weekend but part of me really doesn't want to. It sucks ass seeing all these people graduate. Everyone I know is going to graduate college before me- if they haven't already. I feel like I've been hiding in the corner somewhere not paying attention and picking my nose for too long and now I'm miles behind everyone I know. When did shit get like this? And now with all this bullshit... I'm never going to finish school. I'm never going to earn my own life.
what the fuck am I supposed to do? Even if I graduate? Ever? I don't want to work for Barnes and Noble for the rest of my life. I don't want to live in the suburbs under my parents roof for 10 more years. I feel like every thing is hopeless. It's like I wonder everyday, why do I even get out of bed. There is nothing in this world left for me. I have nothing to contribute. Nothing to create. Nothing new. Nothing. I have run out of things to say to everyone I know. I have run out of answers. I have run out of energy. The only thing that I can't seem to run out of is this hole that I've dug around myself.
tonight my mom told me that my aunts brother-in-law Mike (who is a really cool guy) got in a serious motorcycle accident today and is now in a comma. I feel guilty thinking about what I thought of when she first told me, like I wasn't having respect for the seriousness of the situation, as if I didn't really care about the fact that he could have died and who knows how he will end up. But the truth is, the moment she told me the first thing that came to mind was, god I wish it were me. I wish I could just shut down. It would make everything go away. Give me nightmares but let me sleep. Nothing my mind would create would be as bad as I feel right now.
after my last post I got an email from this kid who told me that I should keep posting on this blog. Well I hope you're satisfied. I've bared my torn soul yet again to people who never call or never knew I existed and I'm about 3 seconds away from deleting this post completely but being that this could be my last semester in school and I'm studying self censorship- in respect for what I've learned and my class I'll post this garbage and know that no one will really get it. People call me dramatic and overly emotional but that is only because they're not listening. They don't grasp what I'm really trying to say. No one ever has. No one. And so I sit in my hole, unheard, misunderstood and without hope.
after years of feeling so defeated I have to stop and wonder if this could really be normal? Is this type of feeling normal, common? Or is this some kind of torturous thing that has only been plaguing me for the majority of my life. (at this point in writing I decided to stop and sincerely contemplate whether or not I should be considered legally insane and or a danger to myself.) but the thing is, besides confidence and self esteem the only other thing that I lack is courage. So there's no sense in even really thinking about offing myself because I know I'll never do it. I won't say that I haven't come close to trying but my telekinesis hasn't really worked out the way I would like. Lately I feel like I'm too depressed to even really think about killing myself. It takes too much effort for something I know is worthless. Like everything else.
so I keep writing because I feel like I'm not done yet but I don't know what else to say. It all boils down to what I said earlier about how no one gets it. There is and always has been a part of me that has this hunger- this desire- this need to have people get me, though I have no idea why. That part of me battles with the other part of me that doesn't care if people get me and I'm not saying that I hear voices... Yet... But it leaves me feeling horribly torn between wanting to live and wanting to close myself off. Maybe I'm bipolar, but I would think that bipolar would be a more distinct half and half life thing. Like happy one day on the verge of suicide the next but with me it's not exactly that clean cut. My moods run together like watercolor paints throughout every day, every hour. It just doesn't seem to end. I wish it would.
screw it. If you haven't gotten it by now, I'm tired of trying to explain it to you. I've been listening to wilco's how to fight loneliness on repeat throughout this entire blog posting and I need to go outside and smoke another cigarette, killing myself in the only way I can, very very slowly. This is the end. I'm a firm believer in never saying never so I'll won't say that I'll never post again because I probably will but don't hold your breath kids. I'm out.
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