I'm amazed at the humor that I find hiding around every corner of my life. When will I learn that having one good day should be a red flag that I'm about to fall on my ass? I really shouldn't have answered my phone today. It put me in a position to feel sick, angry and twisted all wrapped up like a bean burrito. Rage and beans, my friends. They go so well together. A pointless circular conversation leading to one of the worst tension headaches that I've had in a long while was by far the low point of my day. And it kept happening. My phone rings and I answer it. Over an hour later... I hang up the phone. Ten minutes later it rings again. I hang up the phone. Twenty minutes later arrives a text message. In the minutes beyond there's another. I almost threw my phone into traffic.

I'm not going to put any more energy in trying to be who you want me to be (yeah, I'm talking to you because I know you'll read this). Don't back me into a corner, I swear I'll come at you with claws. Walk away. I'm not stopping you. This discussion is a broken record haunting my dreams.

But today wasn't a total loss. I actually woke up before noon sans alarm clock. Amazing? You bet that is. Unfortunately I was having really bizarre dreams about my heart exploding and I woke up half uncovered, shivering and laying sideways in my bed. I cleaned today. Did some laundry. I played clue with some cool people and I actually won a round (a rare occasion). There were drugs and much laughter and in time my head hurt less and my heart felt less pressured. Now I feel withdrawn and slightly empty though that may be the fault of the sad bastardly music that I'm currently listening to (specifics on that subject will only come to those who ask). I'm just tired of the same conversations, the same arguments. Don't you get it? I want more out of my life that this, this pathetic loneliness that I feel staring back at me through skeleton eyes in the mirror. I can do better than what I have right now and I'm tired of settling. So I ask you, when does your life really become your own? The answer: as soon as you're ready to take hold of it. See, I feel this big shift coming for me, like stuff is about to happen and change and things will be different for me and I'm scared and I'm apprehensive and nervous but I'm waiting and looking forward and hoping. I just wish other people could see that and know what it means to me and what it means for me. I'm still me. Why can't you see me?

I'm sorry.

I thought this could be a fitting addition to this evenings ranting:

You are the one who hates to hate but hates to
love. You can't deside at all! You have a
switching mind and just can't make up your
mind. You like someone but then someone else
comes and you think they are ugly the next day.


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You can laugh with me (or at me) all the way to the liquor store.