Life is funny to me, though my face is no where near laughter at the moment. In the late hours of last night I felt worse about things than I ever have. It was like getting hit in the face with a wrecking ball. It left my head hanging by threads of veins keeping the little bit of blood pumping to my head and allowing me to understand all of what was happening to me. I can't do that anymore. Save me! I'm a fucking glutton for punishment. Not many people can say that they've seen me shut down emotionally- seriously shut down. That's probably a good thing considering how bad it has to be for me to get that way. That was last night and i'm still not fully recovered. I'm not sure what I can do to pull myself out of this one. I can't even cry anymore.
What pisses me off more is that I ended up not going to class today. I really didn't want to skip my workshop but my arm got seriously twisted and I was so tired! I woke up 3 hours from when I got to rest my head on the pillow and felt my whole body groan. I turned on my tv. I turned on my lights. I was getting up. Getting ready and I would have been able to had my brother not taken 20 minutes in the bathroom reading the newspaper after I had told him that I needed to get in there. I sat on my bed shivering and waiting for him to leave and fell asleep again. I woke up to him finally opening the door, 20 minutes later as stated, and crawled to the shower cursing him for being such an asshole. (for your own reference there are 2 bathrooms in this house and one is 2 steps from his bedroom door... he doesn't use that one and I can't because all of my stuff is in the bathroom just a hop skip and a jump from my bedroom.) I got in the shower and decided that this just wasn't happening. There was no way I could sit through a 5 hour workshop without being a rude asshole and falling asleep and it's kind of hard to fall asleep in a semi-circle with no desks and have no one notice. I don't want to do that to my class. So I slept... ALL FUCKING DAY. I feel sick. I feel pain like a cloud over my head and my heart and I'm waiting for my phone to ring (please change the word "waiting" to the word "dreading" in that last statement).
If you want I can pretend that the smile stapled back onto my face and I can push up, from my dead heart, a faint beating that will make me appear whole and happy and alive. Personally I'd rather be dead on the floor today. I feel hollow and I can't seem to get warm. I have 2 sweaters on. I have goose-bumps. But I'd smile for you if you asked. It's really easy.
What pisses me off more is that I ended up not going to class today. I really didn't want to skip my workshop but my arm got seriously twisted and I was so tired! I woke up 3 hours from when I got to rest my head on the pillow and felt my whole body groan. I turned on my tv. I turned on my lights. I was getting up. Getting ready and I would have been able to had my brother not taken 20 minutes in the bathroom reading the newspaper after I had told him that I needed to get in there. I sat on my bed shivering and waiting for him to leave and fell asleep again. I woke up to him finally opening the door, 20 minutes later as stated, and crawled to the shower cursing him for being such an asshole. (for your own reference there are 2 bathrooms in this house and one is 2 steps from his bedroom door... he doesn't use that one and I can't because all of my stuff is in the bathroom just a hop skip and a jump from my bedroom.) I got in the shower and decided that this just wasn't happening. There was no way I could sit through a 5 hour workshop without being a rude asshole and falling asleep and it's kind of hard to fall asleep in a semi-circle with no desks and have no one notice. I don't want to do that to my class. So I slept... ALL FUCKING DAY. I feel sick. I feel pain like a cloud over my head and my heart and I'm waiting for my phone to ring (please change the word "waiting" to the word "dreading" in that last statement).
If you want I can pretend that the smile stapled back onto my face and I can push up, from my dead heart, a faint beating that will make me appear whole and happy and alive. Personally I'd rather be dead on the floor today. I feel hollow and I can't seem to get warm. I have 2 sweaters on. I have goose-bumps. But I'd smile for you if you asked. It's really easy.
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