The other night I watched Ming Tsai pump air into a duck's skin with a compressor. It was sick (in more ways than one- meaning both good and bad in this case). I thought about doing that to a person, while they were still alive. I thought about my grandmother in the physical therapy treatment center and all the tubes they stick into people at hospitals and what if someone just took one end and blew into it with all the air in their lungs. How quickly do they die?

I saw a guy laying in the street today when I was walking to class. He had blood on his hands and a tear in his spandex- a bike messenger I'd guess. I wish I had seen the accident. I wish I had seen the car slam into him. I wanted to hear the thud, hear the squeal, and the scream. I heard the ambulance in the distance and it was the third one I had either seen or heard in the twenty minutes it takes me to walk from Union to the south loop.

Yesterday I saw a car stalled in a turn lane. When I pulled up next to it I noticed that there was another car, on the other side of the street, in a tree. It was amazing. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how the accident actually happened. It didn't make sense in my head, but then again nothing does these days.

I'm starting to have second thoughts. I'm starting to second guess myself. In a second I'm going to go away for a while and I'm not sure when I'll be back. I need to escape again. I need to run away again- another quick fix. Mostly I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk to anyone or have anyone come knocking on my door. If only I could kill the things that yell when my door is shut. If only I could take a baseball bat and purge this obvious anger management issue that is completely out of control inside me right now. There are people that, when I see them, I see red. I don't want anyone on that side of the fence. Stay away, please. I don't want to hate you- and worse- I don't want you to hate me.