When it started, time seemed to stop and I could feel every square inch of my body. I counted down the layers from hair to skin, muscle to bone, marrow. I was completely aware of every cell on my body. And it was stifling there, buried underneath the covers, yet I couldn't seem to pull myself out of it all. At times I was barely breathing and I almost enjoyed it- suffocation. I hated the light, still do. My brain was numb to all things. I was paralyzed within myself and terrified of moving. Did you hear me when I said that I wanted to die? I meant it. I still do.

Someday we'll all be dead. You'll be dead. I'll be dead. Your family, your dog, cat. My family, my bird. When I asked you if you would rather die before everyone else or after, I had hoped that you would ask me the same question in return. I would have told you that I would die first. I would die before you and everyone else if I had my say because that's the selfish thing to do. I am, you know, selfish. I admit it. That's one of the only things I can be good at, admitting my flaws.

It's late and I have so much work to do that I'm just not going to do any of it. Because that's another thing I'm good at, giving up. Cheers. (drugs, please)