I wonder...

Life is like a story, right? Your life story, a common phrase. I used to feel like my life would never be anything worth writing about and for the most part I still do. But I can't help but wonder how the arch of my life will turn out. What if I never get there? That high point. The climax. The orgasm. The point where everything else is down hill, not really boring but beyond that moment nothing compares. And then you die. Can you imagine living a life so unfulfilled? What if I never reach my true potential? What if I really just suck it up and I have a lame limp story arch that hangs like spaghetti stuck to the wall. After a second of hanging loosely it slips down, lost to that space between the stove and the wall never to be seen again.

No.

I used to tell myself that mediocrity was ok. It was my way of dulling the pain of realization that I knew I'd come to later in life. Honestly, that's why I love writing stories so much. I get to play with peoples lives, if only on paper. I used to think that the trade off would be fine. My life might suck, but look at what I can do to characters I create! I'm starting to think that it was a shitty deal. I screwed myself by thinking that. Now. I don't want to be famous. I don't want to be rich. I don't much care about being "successful" either. Everyone knows there are many ways to succeed.

(to be continued and possibly erased.)

It hasn't hit me yet. I'm sure it will.

*** *** ***

Today I spent way too much money at Best Buy. Way too much- and I didn't even buy everything that I was going to buy... I should have gotten all of it... My Miyazaki collection grew a little.

the New Super Mario Bros. is DECENT and I have the sore thumbs to prove it. I won't go into gushing about all the tasty power ups and fancy levels but I will say damn the bouncing mushroom! Damn them all! I'm so in love!

Bounce. It's warm in my room, which is a nice normal switch. Freezing in the winter but when the shift in the weather comes my room flips to the other side and is boiling all the time. I've taken to jumping on my bed in my down time (preferably without pants because I've decided that everything in life is improved with the removal of pants). It's a pretty solid hobby, and exercise or something. General dancing and chair spinning is included with the jumping. It isn't like I have my walking downtown to rely on anymore. I have to do something, right? So jumping on my bed in my underwear is my vote. Thoughts??

I was planning to going to the art museum tomorrow. Free on Tuesdays. But I forgot about the Pearl Jam concert... I could still go. I could get up early and go for a few hours and come back. There's a chance that I'll get up before noon- I almost did today- but it isn't likely and honestly, I'm not planning on trying. I want to see what it's like to live without an alarm clock for a week.


*** *** ***
(thinking about fiction... but failing at the words)

No one knows where the first tree came from but it grows taller and stronger every year. It's seeds fall and sprout, get carried away by the birds and animals to spread the forest farther. It's like breeding an army. Soon the soldiers will stand tall in masses. And yet trees don't fight. They bend in the wind and if pushed too far they will break and fall. They are no army, but a gathering of pacifists. They have no need to communicate deep thoughts or emotions, and no voice to do so even if communication could exist. They are their own shelters, their own companions and rely only on the gifts of sunlight and rain to feed them and help them grow. Humans should be so lucky.

Humans come with deep thoughts and emotion and mouths to vocalize their anger, hurt and frustration. They come with axes. They come with fire. They cut without thinking. They burn without realization. They gather in masses and stand where forests once stood and cut and burn and cut and burn and cut and burn and cut and burn and cut and burn and cut and burn...

(that might be a metaphor)

If I had the energy I would type out what I wrote in my journal about tonight- but I don't. I will however mention the idea that there is a point when flattery and "compliments" become uncomfortable. It's true. I can take compliments. It was something that I have learned to do over the years but there is still a line when the words shift meaning in my mind. It all still stems from the many incidents of Raul and the Gift Shop that I used to work at- but where I am today and where I was is completely different now and that shit still bothered the hell out of me tonight. My mid-drift was described using the phrase "white rhino" and I still don't exactly know what that means. I could guess but... But still. The first time when they told me it was sexy, I took that. I smiled and said thank you, as standard. Over the years I have learned it best to just smile and accept. It usually ends the subject if I don't fight it- so I don't but sometimes it back fires. Tonight my mid-drift was complimented by multiple people multiple times and seriously- What the fuck?

But there were a few strange things about the party at my buddy Max's tonight, things to be discussed but not now. Now I need to sleep. I should have been home hours ago, if it weren't for the shitty Saturday train schedules. Tomorrow I walk in my graduation ceremony. I'm not happy about it and to be honest I really don't want to do it, but I will. I guess I kind of have to, for my mother. Happy Mother's Day to her.

So wish me luck. Wish me a non-hangover morning- which will be real for me in less than 5 hours. I'm going to need it.

So little time, so many changes, so short hair!

Tis true, my friends! I've had short hair for about a month now and as of this morning, its a lovely red color. I feel renewed, rejuvinated, retarded. Well, not really retarded but... Happy May Day (whatever that means) and I hope whom ever had to spend time downtown in the Loop today had lots of fun listening to loud people shout in foreign languages and clog the city streets! I wish them all the best of luck, really.

Honestly, just thinking about everything makes me get the shakes- literally. My hands are shaking right now. But did you know that Buddy Guy is speaking at my graduation ceremony? I didn't until this morning, though the email was sent out weeks ago... damn oasis emailing system that sucks so I never check it but should have so I would be "in touch" with my academic life...

If you wondered why no posting sooner? I threw my back out writing a sestina a few weeks back- seriously. I was sitting at my computer typing when I had a shooting pain at the base of my spine. That pain has migrated a few times since then but you'll be comforted to know that my doctor has high hopes that it will disappear soon. Right now it (the pain) is resting comfortably in my left butt cheek (how nice!) and I get a lovely sharp pain in my right shoulder whenever I laugh (double nice!!).

So much to do, so little time to do it...