Are you aware of the afterthoughts in conversations, the phrases whispered in last breaths that no one ever says aloud? If you've talked to me in the past few days you might have been able to hear one or two.

Every impulse that I have comes to me with conflict, which makes me tired all the time. I hate to say it but without drugs in my life- the sure way to shut off my brain- I'm finding my days longer and all in all progressively crappier. I've had a headache for about a week now...

Last night I drove for an hour and a half- just driving... I needed to feel something other than the claustrophobia that I feel when stuck in this room, alone, for days on end. I needed to stretch my legs on open road and remind myself that there are places where the sky looks different and the night can be kinder. And I realized something- or rather admitted something to myself. My life is moving miles away from where I had always wanted and intended to end up. And it sucks. It sucks that I'm going to an interview tomorrow in McHenry. It doesn't suck that I might have a job and working with Margot wouldn't be bad by any means, but it does suck to find myself pulling farther and farther away from Chicago. I miss my city.

I don't want to work in McHenry. Maybe they won't hire me anyway. Maybe I should never have left therapy. Maybe I just need a new therapist- since I seem to be so short on friends that I can actually bring myself to talk to.

This post is sloppy but so is my thought process lately. And for that I'm sorry. I wish I could find better words to tell you how... or that I...

I'm so sorry.