I feel like I'm Studying Stones lately, too much. Like I've been dragging my feet and clawing my way for so long that my lungs are filled to the brim with gravel, dirt and dust. Every now and then I'm able to cough something up, usually always leaving me feeling nervous. These days I have a constant feeling that I may explode. I have visions of my future filled with horrible sights and pains that I can't shake, even in sleep. And the worst of it is that I so wish to just let it out and scream but I don't think that even my ears could take it this time. You don't understand, do you?

Every day is a struggle to me. Every waking moment I suffer when left to my own thoughts, which is almost always. Today has already been too long and I've spent most of it pacing laps around the couch in my living room. I can't keep a steady beat. I think I'm mentally preparing myself to be left again, and again probably. I'm too scary for anyone to love- and or I am unlovable. yah.

If something inside me doesn't change very soon, you won't be hearing a word from me any longer. I wish I could say that I was kidding. It's just that it would be lovely to go one day without a panic attack. My high points usually revolve around watching water go down the drain in the shower. I need to find a way to forget. I need to find a way not to let myself think about this and that and everything all too much like I do.

This is me, reaching out to no one. The only one I have left is the hollow reflection in the mirror, and she scares me.