The one thing I truly desire in this world is something I can never have. I lack courage. Over the years I have attempted to overcome this but I'm still struggling. Mostly I wish I had the courage to say exactly what I needed to say at the exact right moment, but truth be told timing has never been a strength of mine either.

I would still use the word love. When my eyes actually close I find myself reaching out to empty space and pillows. There's this aching feeling surrounding my heart every night. Even on this night, having taken sleeping pills hours ago, my head spins knowing what has been lost. Can you even hear me anymore? I miss love. I'm sure I'll never know it again, never as it was.

How is it that each day feels easier yet harder? There's still a flicker of hope inside me which I haven't managed to kill off quite yet. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. It's about time I decided to pick myself up again. It's about time I tried to shed these apologetic thoughts and the claustrophobic layers that I have been clinging to so eagerly. I have always been one content on hiding and though I doubt that aspect of me will ever really change it would probably do me good to wake up before dusk.

I'd sign in blood. Stand alone. Let the wind push me. Waiting for the drugs to kick in. Pillows lack heartbeats. Paper thin walls leave little to the imagination. Everything about me is half finished. My thought processes leave trails that lead to nothing. How can I write endings if all I know are beginnings? The drugs are kicking in. I'll look for you in my dreams.

Do you ever miss me?