I can't help but take stock every now and then, and lately every time I do (which is often enough to keep me in a constant hidden state of disgust) I realize that things really aren't improving. I'm desperately clinging to something that just doesn't exist anymore.

In the past 6 months...

Lost love.
Nearly doubled the number of sexual partners I've had through casual and unimpressive sex.
Obtained a new car to drive to the job that I don't have.
Written close to nothing worthwhile.
Cleaned out my closet.
Finished one novel.
Resisted marijuana.
Cut down on cigarettes to incredible lows.
Began exercise regime and have been quite good at sticking to it thus far.

Notice what always is first to come to my mind... peculiar... Does it stroke your ego to know that?

So I'm really sick of dating men that leave me constantly questioning sincerity. I have to wonder if my recent male "company" is actually interested in pursuing me, or bedroom relations (**too much information deleted here**). It's not enough for me.

I quit. I'm holding out for heart fluttering passion and feelings beyond lukewarm lust. For the record, these thighs will be closed until perfection walks into my life. I'm sick of settling and feeling used. I want the whole package this time.